Of course I admit, confess, and own up to the fact that I am pretty much responsible for all of that strength, bossiness, pushin', shovin' or whatever you have to call it. I am Type A myself after all, and while yes I made many mistakes parenting over the years - when your first 4 children are all girls and are all 2 or 2.5 years apart SOMEone has to be in charge, command the ship, be the drill sergeant, ... well you get the picture. I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years and it was me who had to command some form of order.
Imagine if you will, 3 loud(ish) sisters, all clamoring to be in charge of what little domain they could claim. One by bossiness (typical oldest child trying to get everyone to be good), one by rebellion (typical second child not ABOUT to do anything the oldest thinks is needed), one by manipulation (typical of the baby of the family ... at that point) and there's you. Introvert. Quiet. A child of few words. I have always wondered what this child thought of this family of hers. I could imagine her off in her bedroom or in a corner reciting "Not my circus, Not my Monkeys" trying desperately to tune us out while Mom eventually cracks the whip to get everyone to shape up and get dinner on the table for Dad so we could eat the old fashioned way - Together.
Fast forward several years, all of these wonderful girls have either graduated and are out on their own or married with a career and finishing up high school. OH the Type A-ness has been magnified several times over each time one went through puberty. The disagreements were louder, and yet the laughter more boisterous. Another baby sister arrived ten years after everyone thought we were done! Still, my introvert will say things like "she's great" when asked about her Mom. Another phrase she would say is "it's fine", when asked how she likes being a big sister.
At one point, I made it a habit to Force the flow of conversation at the supper table to cease long enough to ask "Ruthie - how was your day?" Sometimes we would get a story, but most of the time we would just simply get "good!" In a world where perception is everything I often wondered how my girls perceived me. I knew it wouldn't always be rosy - shoot I frustrate myself sometimes but still I wondered what kind of impression I was leaving on my girls.
When Ruthie moved into Sunday School classes as an adult instead of a youth she instinctively chose a teacher who is meek and wonderful and wise and self-controlled. A woman I love and affectionately call my Spiritual Mother. A woman more like Ruthie than like me. I didn't think much of it until one Sunday this lady came to me grinning. They were reading Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnand, if you've never read this book it is really worth your time. The main Character is named Much-Afraid. At one point she is in peril, held against her will by the Fearing family and she calls Mrs. Valiant for help. Mrs. Valiant rushes into the situation clearing the room. Fearing nothing and certainly not the Fearing family and threatening to turn them in to the ultimate authority, The Good Shepherd. She feels the authority to go straight to the top and displays wisdom in dealing with Much-Afraid. She sets things right in a whirlwind, volunteers her whole family to help Much-Afraid, and shows complete trust in the Good Shepherd to take care of Much Afraid even without her continued involvement. The teacher tells me that while the class is discussing this chapter, out of no where my daughter of very few words boldly blurts out "That Mrs. Valiant, Shes JUST like MY MOTHER!"
Honestly, I was speechless. Really?! My quiet child who grew up in chaos and loud rukus of life in the Westover family. She sees Me as Mrs. Valiant?! I mean the rushing in like a whirlwind, not being intimidated or fearing anyone, and having the confidence to volunteer her whole family for a task she is sure they will support her in. That sounds like me. The gentleness and wisdom of dealing with Much-Afraid, and complete trust in the Good Shepherd to take care of the child without her continued involvement, does NOT sound like something I've mastered even today! But there it was - the proclamation from the child who watched more than she participated in our family dynamics.
I have examined myself many times from this event. Yes - Yes I AM like Mrs. Valiant. I have come to realize that I am a strong woman. I am intimidated by and fear very little (except maybe snakes). Do I WANT to be wise and gentle? Yes! But it's still a work-in-progress. Do I Want to let God be God without me Helping!? Yes but again its not been mastered.
I challenge you to see yourself as others see you but don't get bogged down. See yourself the way God sees you. Just the right height, eye color, born into the right family, and just like Much-Afraid by the end of the book, able to be completely transformed even physically by knowing and submitting to the Good Shepherd! It's amazing and prophetic the words she blurted out over me when I wasn't even there! But I've examined myself against it and am blessed. I've had to deal with the fact that I'm not the Mercy-Filled one people want to come to when needing coddled. But that's okay because if they wanted coddled in the midst of their folly I would destroy us both most likely.
Below is a picture of my girls with me. Introductions to each will come later, but Ruthie is second from the left in the purple scarf. Sweet girl. I can't wait to see where they all land in this adventure God has set them out on. I wonder if they see themselves as Much-Afraid or as another character?
Blessings for Today
Heather
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