In My Daughter's Eyes

Back in September we went to a little therapy workshop on anxiety. One activity was for Piper to take this giant tub of animals and place each family member in there so everyone was represented. This took a while - she was very particular with her choices. The longer she took the more nervous I got. Instantly, I was looking through that tub thinking - "Oh Dear God what will she pick to represent me? The therapist is uncomfortably close to me in this tiny room and I know she is trained to place ridiculous importance on each of this child's choices and - OH for the love of Pete child just throw some animals in that tub - Time to GO!" 

Clearly I realized all of my insecurities were screaming out against examination, and Piper was lost in her own little world picking up each animal, looking it over and placing it back in the tub. 

Finally, she made her choice - Praise God she picked an animal to represent me first and put me out of my misery! She picked herself next and placed her animal firmly under my right shoulder. When it still wasn't quite like she wanted it she picked me up, put herself down and then placed me a little on top of her. 

 I am a tiger - the biggest one in the tub and the only one looking intimidating & strong. I was the first one she picked.  Ironically enough I have always thought Tigers were the most beautiful wild animal there is.  Looking into the eyes of a tiger (which I have only done in pictures online), there is incredible beauty but a tinge of healthy fear for the strength it possesses.  

She chose for herself - a spotted frog very colorful, and very much under the shoulder of the tiger. She spends much of her summer at Shepherd's Fold Ranch hunting frogs and roly poly bugs so I think this was a grand choice 

She continued picking an animal for each family member and placing them where she thought they should be.  Some who are away at college and finding their own life outside the family roof are placed farther away.  Some who visit frequently are placed close-by but none really invade the bubble that holds a little frog with the massive tiger standing over her protecting her.  

I have raised 5 girls and some have needed me more than others.  Some have rejected me harder than others when trying to find their own way.  I have watched terrible things happen to some of the older ones by people in this world. Some of them I have been blessed enough to see them make it all the way to the other side.  Some of them are still fighting.  I love watching them take the fierceness they think they have seen in me and mold it together like play dough with their personalities and strengths to adapt to the cards life deals them.  

But truth be told - I think all mothers would agree.  We're scared to death.  We don't know what we're doing.  We call our Moms 100 times a month especially when we have babies of our own.  I think I have called my Mom more to ask advice and apologize and try to figure out life more once I had adult children than I did when they were toddlers. We try to follow God.  We pray for you.  We do the best we can ... and we mess things up.  A lot.  I can only hope that when all is said and done that this little girl meant for that Tiger to be a compliment.  I'm going to take it as one.  

I love the song by Martina McBride In My Daughter's Eyes

I hope it's what she meant when placing - and Re-placing that tiger right on top of herself that day in front of that psychologist, who I decided to never go back to!  LOL 

Blessings for today ya'll 

We need 'em every day. 

Please don't wish your babies wouldn't grow up.

Almost Daily I see some well-meaning Mommy post a picture or status begging their children to "Please Just Stay Little" or "Don't grow up okay!?" Or "Stop Growing!"  Either with words or a cute little hashtag. 

First of all - I know the generalized idea you're trying to get across. I'm not heartless and I remember those cute little baby snuggles and the intoxicating smell of newborns and toddlers. Baby smells are Still  intoxicating when your kids are adults. I'm not writing this to chastise you - hopefully when you're done reading this you feel the birth of hope and longing to see your kids do the very thing you lament against constantly.

Next let's get dramatics out of the way.  However, you Do realize there's only one way your child won't grow up right? Trust me - you Want them to grow up.

Now on to the heart of why I wanted to write to you today. That sweet little newborn you can't get enough of holding?! If it didn't grow up, you wouldn't see that first smile when you KNOW it's only for you. They are smiling because they realize You are their Mama and only You can satisfy their need for connection in so many ways.  You would never feel their chubby fingers grab your face and hair so they can pull you in for kisses that - as infants sometimes feel more like they want to eat your face!! Yet somehow they make it adorable.

You would never see them attach to that one lovey or blanket or stuffed animal. 

Watching their sense of humor emerge is priceless. 

You would never see them climb trees or build mud puddles or use those filthy fingers to bring you a bouquet of weeds.

~~~I know you see where I'm going with this but keep reading.~~

Those toddlers become children and start kindergarten. With the look in their eyes that they Really don't want to be away from you all day, to the day when they jump out of the car and rush into school you will always see their eyes light up when they see you again. I'm 46 and I hope my mom still can see it in my eyes when I come home for a visit!

If my kids wouldn't have grown up I would never have been there the first time that special boy asked my daughter to wear his football jersey on Friday. Trust me. This was a big deal.

I wouldn't have been there for Book Fairs and Field Trips and Class Parties.

I would never have seen my 4th daughter work around the house for extra money, only to find out that she took all of her allowance to school and gave it to her 2nd grade teacher whose husband had been seriously injured in a rodeo event and couldn't work for a Long time. The heart of a child will melt you.

I would never have watched them make the cheerleaders squad the first time you had to try out. She ran up to that list and squealed like the proverbial little girl when she saw her name up there. 

I would have never seen them in Homecoming or watched my daughter catch every minute of a 19 inning softball game. I would have never seen the other one end up 2nd at Nationals .... Twice!  And I would never seen them dig deep down inside when they were at bat with 2 outs - down by one - last inning of the game ... and she hit a triple and we won.

Would never have watched her overcome a learning disability and graduate. Or get a mout full of braces! 

I would never have seen my daughter in love and beaming with excitement as her Daddy walked her down the aisle. Nor would I have been blessed with the opportunity through a rough set of circumstances to hand her - her first born son and watch with my very own  eyes as she became a mom. As her heart saw him for the very first time, and she examined every inch of him like we do.  I mean - I love my Grandson, but that was My baby in that bed - My baby who had just survived an emergency c-section that was pretty touch - and - go. And that was My baby becoming a Mommy. 

Friends - you want to see it. And you want to see it exactly when it is supposed to happen. You don't want them delayed in any way.

The reason I wrote to you is this.  You don't need them to stop growing. The change needs to happen in you. You need to do whatever it takes to remember every moment. Journal- video - blog - do whatever it takes for you to remember everything. Put one of their cute little sleeper pj's in a gallon zip-loc bag so you can open it once or twice when they are rotten teenagers and be intoxicated with the smell of their infant sweetness once more and rejoice! Celebrate every achievement and failure.

Because some day your door will bust open and little ones will run in saying "HEYYYYYY Granny!!!!!" And they will smile at you like only a Granny can inspire in them and you will have a whole new life of things to cherish.

So grow up little one!! Not too fast but not too late! Let me see every success and let me scoop you up and love you through every failure!  Grow up little one, and become everything God had in mind when he ordained your existence!! 

Cherish the growth Mama - it doesn't happen twice! 

Another Daycare Can't Handle Your Awesomeness

So as my daughter posted yesterday, my grandson was removed from another daycare yesterday (effective immediately) basically due to being a normal Autistic little boy. 

So once again our family was "who can take off work? I can watch them until noon!? Okay I'll meet you at noon and take them to my house. What time do you get off?"  Dance we do when we have to pull together for someone in the family who has a need.

I picked up my grandkids and brought them home. We played outside, we fed some animals, and ran away from others .... because apparently bunny rabbits are creepy.  Jumped on the trampoline - chased each other up the swing set, and then it was time for a nap. 

I worked up a sweat getting him to sleep but honestly, his ornery little sister without autism was just as hard to get down as he was. 

As he laid there sleeping, I thought of all the reasons this babysitter couldn't continue his care. She's right, he does do all of the things she said... and he does them a lot. I almost had a moment of compassion for her until I started thinking of all the years raising my nieces and nephews with our family, raising my own kids, and stories other people have told.

His mother threw a hair brush at her little sister and one of the bristles got stuck in her eyeball - true story.  Same little sister pushed his Mama off the bed and broke her elbow. Surgery and two metal pins sticking out of her arm later, we finally healed.

His Mom, at 2, put numerous cats in a headlock and applied bright red lip stick.... they got revenge on her later. 

Shana and Bethanni engaged in several slapping fits leaving scratch marks and bruises. 

My nieces and nephews on the farm threw punches, set boobie traps, refused to play with another, and I think even tied someone up and left them there ... maybe more than once.

When they got older,  I specifically remember a chase that ended in the person getting chased turning around and smacking Levi with a Tupperware pitcher right on the top of the head.  He bled like a fountain and needed to be taken for stitches.

Piper bit Karlie Gee so many times I thought Amy (babysitter) might request Piper's jaws be wired shut at one point.

There have been bruises, cuts,  bites, stitches, and even surgeries.  Fist fights in the yard because "THAT'S MY SHIRT!", and trips to the emergency room.  None of those kids were Autistic.

Is this generation of kids so much more difficult? Or are we adults just unwilling to put up with a kid who keeps us from the TV and social media? 

My Grandson takes a different approach because of Autism than my Granddaughter but I assure you that sassy little blonde bundle of joy is ever bit as much work as he is.

Is it because we as care givers aren't willing to use the Internet to research techniques for special needs kids and apply them?  Or maybe we aren't willing to turn off the tv and all of the other chaos that might be a trigger for a child. 

The stress and chaos this puts my daughter who is 6 months pregnant under is unacceptable. 

The fact that my Grandson hasn't had that one person join the family and say "I'm not giving up on you." That's unacceptable.

I have considered quitting my job. To be that consistent person for him. But for right now it just isn't possible for many reasons.

Within a year he will start public school. While there are so many wonderful people waiting to bless him there. There are equal amounts of people - even in Special Ed who will just write him off because he isn't their kind of awesome.

Sometimes I just feel like we in general aren't willing to put in all of the effort that would become his miracle because we 'deserve' to have our phone in our hand 24/7... or because we won't turn off our TV shows that create uncomfortable noise chaos even in the best of circumstances.  And I'm saying We because I too fall into the trap sometimes. But when I look in his eyes on that moment he Really wants interaction, I realize we as a country have failed him - not that his condition is too difficult to handle.

If you are a daycare provider, I'm begging you to research conditions, and apply all of the techniques until something works.  I know you're just trying to make a little bit of extra money, but he isn't an easy dollar bill. He is an unpolished precious jewel waiting for you to polish the spots only you can.

What is attractive after 28 years?

 

I have had a lot of questions over the years. The first one that set me on my heels was when I owned a consignment store -- ahhhh The Grapevine (NOT to be confused with the Current Skiatook Grapevine - sheesh)!!  

I had a picture of our 4 girls on the counter. A lady checking out says "are these all yours?!?!" (With a little shock in her tone)
However I replied must have turned her world upside down, because she said - ALL BY THE SAME MAN?!?!?!?!?!

Then I was as shocked as she was and I said ... Yesssss??  (Trying to figure out if that was a wrong answer or something!)

I don't even remember what she said after that but we marveled at each other that day fo Sho!

Then this summer, (I'm around a lot of young people between my job, my church and my girl's friends) I had a young girl ask me about my "love story".  When I told her that I would be married 28 years on September 25th this year she said "That's cool, but I can't imagine being attracted to the same person after 28 years!?!?!" 

What's attractive about the same man day in and day out after 28 years?

I know that in her single world lust  is a primary driver. It doesn't always have to be a negative thing so don't gasp.  Without it the beginning of those great relationships would be a lot less exciting. (You don't have to act on it every time so don't you parents come reprimand me - surely you remember those days yourself?) I would not want my days or nights 28 years ago ... or tomorrow for that matter to be without a little intense physical attraction.

But what is the Most Attractive after 28 years???

HISTORY

Those eyes have spoken volumes to me for 28 years. Every moment of 28 years are in those eyes.  The compassion for my hardest times - every single one. All reflected in those eyes.

Those hands have held mine through 5 pregnancies and 5 labor and deliveries.

Those arms held me when my Dad passed away.  And many nights grieving him afterwards.

That mind has thought out, planned and built many things for me -- currently working on finishing a chicken coop! This brings a lot of excitement oddly enough LOL

Those feet have carried all of our children, chased them around the house and set the course of what a Dad should be for them.  They will all marry a young man somewhat like him I imagine.

With 28 years of Married history - I honestly do not know if it would even be possible to untangle our lives from each other. 

But that wasn't the question -

What's attractive after 28 years? History

Happy Anniversary Corey Westover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those Awkward Flights

Okay ... so I'm on a flight to Atlanta. I am pretty - lucky. My husband works for a major airline and our benefits rock!

I have probably flown hundreds of times in the 26 years he has worked there. Side Note: people always feel sorry for my husband because I have flown A Lot more than he has -usually he stays home to work.  He does not refrain from flying because he has to work to pay for my excursions - stop saying that - you know who you are. He doesn't like to fly. Yes I see the irony. No there's nothing you should be scared of.  When he does he usually doesn't eat much,  if at all,  the 24 hours ahead of the flight and even when we land he can stay a little off his game for a day or so... and then 24 hrs before we head home - same thing.  He usually REALLY enjoys approximately 37 minutes of most of our vacations.  But those 37 minutes are enough to keep him doing it at least once a year.  He never checks a bag,  and by the time we had 4 children I finally told him it was no longer up for debate - we are checking our bags.  ALL of them.  Except one backpack that we could put one change of clothes in for everyone.  This lengthened his 24 hour prep time to approximately 36 hours pre-flight for a while but he has leveled out some. 

 

 

 

Anyway,  in all my years of flying I have sat next to almost every kind of flyer.  The lady who could probably have saved the Titanic with what was in her giant purse and she may be able to stop hunger in Africa with what's in there if you would just reroute her. The guy who smells (that was a lot of fun), the lady who never shuts up (quickly pretend you have a headache and go to sleep) .... I may or  may not have been her once or twice. 

 

 The Beach Boys...yes THE Beach (freaking) Boys!! They were my first concert ever at the South Dakota State Fair when I was maybe 15! Unfortunately,  they thought a lot of themselves! That plus the fact they were wrinkled like (a very tan) prune in their Hawaiian shirts left me a little sad. The very large man who couldn't even try to stop it and just spilled over into your seat without apology,  but he was so nice I didn't even notice! I would ride next to him 95 times over Stink Boy! 

 

And I have been on that flight where the mom of a toddler had to yell his name so many times I'd be willing to lay money on the fact that NONE of us on that flight would have ever even Considered naming our child Jeffrey ever again!! I have maybe BEEN that mom once or twice as well - sorry about that! But that was before Pinterest educated me that we should hand out goody bags to passengers nearby before take off complete with ear plugs to ease the sting. 

Insert follow up:  later this same weekend, I was on another flight where a 2 year old little curly haired girl was DONE being on an airplane. BOTH of her parents put on Beats headphones and proceeded to just wrestle the child while she continued to scream.....  NO .... JUST STINKIN' NO!!!! TAKE YO BEATS OFF AND OFFER THEM TO SOME POOR SOUL AROUND YOU WHO IS HAVING TO ENDURE YOUR PRECIOUS AND ENTERTAIN YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!! (Huffy breath) 

Over the years I've had health challenges jump on me one at a time that have caused me to expand in size a little (maybe a lot,  but not A LOT).  But I've always been able to buckle my seat belt and stay within my seat so I feel like I'm fighting the good fight. 

Apparently for women within my size,  there's a uniform.  Jean capris, sandals with painted toe nails, black shirt, and jewelry. 

I mean, ya kind of like this but  - dad gum! I don't look like this!!! 

 

I didn't know this before today,  but here she come. Strutting down the aisle and plopped down in the middle seat next to my window seat.  We both technically stay in our seats but it's those arms.... whose arm goes in front? Is it acceptable to just give up and have your arms touch? Apparently not,  she oozes awkwardness,  or frustration I'm not sure.  She is much younger than me,  you can tell this by looks,  but you can also tell this by the fact that everything is a big deal.  She sighs so much... about everything.... honey,  try being in labor for 24 hours before you all of a sudden see old fashion metal forceps in places they shouldn't be.  And a young country cowboy trying to learn to be a doctor on the other end, with his cowboy boots pushing against the bed while he pulls with all his might trying to convince your daughter it's time to be born.  THAT'S a big deal.  

Anyway,  we have spent this entire flight playing the hokey pokey putting our arms in and then putting our arms out to avoid touching each other causing her to heave another sigh.  I'm no longer in need of a workout except I for sure am looking forward to shaking it all about in hopefully 5 minutes! I have never had this difficult of a ride and I don't have Children with me!!

Air travel can be exhausting, and etiquette varies from one flight to the next, but if you fly long enough you will encounter every possible scenario!!!  Happy flying! 

Blessings for today ya'll, we need 'em every day! 

Heather 

My Days Are Numbered

My Days Are Numbered.... And they're close.

 
You see, I won't always post specific daily events regarding Anxiety.  My daughter is growing up and while in the future, we may write together ... I doubt she will want me to say that she had a day where she wouldn't get out of the car because she didn't want to look like a "big 'ol jerk" without her backpack (that she left in her room).  You see, she isn't the only daughter I have that struggles with actual Anxiety vs. Moments of anxiety.  I do not post specifics of her days or her battles to take stuff out on me so she can re-gain her day. But I suspect that some day she will.

Judging from the comments on FB that I (and others) get when I Do post about Anxiety, I can tell that some of you don't get it.  I had hoped that because she is the last of 5 girls and girls can be prone to manipulation and drama without struggling with anxiety, that you would see that I might be at least be a little more capable of discerning whether it's a fit, or manipulation, and put at least a little bit of weight behind my stories of experience.

When I worked in the public school I saw both kinds of kids.  Kids who used "MOMENTS" of anxiety to manipulate, and kids who anxiety jumped on top of without warning and threatened to take them out.  That's exactly what Anxiety does.  It attacks the recipient and there are days of victory -- kids can stiff-arm Anxiety when it knocks and keep going.  There are other days when Anxiety takes them out! For the rest of the day.  A lot of times Mom has to come pick them up from school so they can reset and focus and try again tomorrow.

While those days seem almost unfathomable and exhausting to us, they don't hold a candle to the days they stay and fight it out.  On the day there's a battle, and Mom leaves them at school instead of coddling them (which I've never been accused of .... making life easy for my girls.... I feel guilty about not covering them and taking all the pain away .... but 99% of the time "Suck it up Buttercup" is more of what comes out of my mouth), Those are the worst days.  Because when she gets home, she has to sit and de-stress and gather all of the frayed pieces of herself and put them back together.

I've even had friends who have taken care of her for a couple days and proclaim "She Is Fine!  We had a few bumpy spots but she has been great!"  I have 2 thoughts when people say that to me.

1)  Oh good ... I genuinely am glad she fought and fought to get through those days so that she wasn't a burden to you ... and so that she has one more victory to think back on.

2)  Oh great!  Because this means she has been fighting non-stop since she left me and when we get alone in the car - or at home, we're going to have a huge adjustment period while she settles and gets out all of the emotions she has been fighting to stuff down while she was with you.  This also means if I weren't that strong person I referred to earlier I wouldn't last.  I would become the victim.  I would feel sorry for myself that although I know I'm my daughter's strength, I'm also the vacuum cleaner.  I suck up all the raw moments it takes to regain normal and we go again.

Sometimes the vacuum is dirty and overheats because of all that doing it's job requires.  I mean, I'm doing what I'm created for - but the reality is it's crazy hard.

My days are numbered because she is growing up and it will become her specifics to share.  I can post about the struggle in general but not specifics.  My days are also numbered because it seems that for every 1 I reach there's 2 who message me to just whip her @**and tell her to get out of the car and go in to school......  (come here - how 'bout I whip your .....I digress). Or there's 3 who message me and tell me that she is just manipulating me to get what she wants (here's what I'll say to that.  You call my daughter a manipulator? I say game recognizes game!)

I grew up in the 80's --- we didn't have peanut allergies or anxiety disorders, or autism.  If we did it was in SUCH smaller numbers it wasn't identified yet.  I wanted to reach out to those in my generation to share my life because if one of your children didn't suffer from this ... one of your grandchildren will.  It's not a discipline issue, True cases of anxiety aren't even a spiritual issue, although I do believe God is the Only complete cure --- when it's his will to reach out healing.  But let's face it - we see in the Bible where saints petitioned Him for healing and he said "My Grace is Sufficient".  It's time that we as the church stop acting like these problems aren't real.  It's time we stop acting like these disorders are sin.  We have and are praying for deliverance from this, but I trust God enough to receive whatever level of deliverance He sees fit to bring today ... even if that is nothing.  My goal then becomes - how do we get through today with our faith, and our resolve to fight again renewed for tomorrow?

My posts aren't a plea for advice - or ridicule - or belittling.  They are to show you what's out there.  So that when your life crosses paths with someone who struggles, instead of being oblivious and trampling right over them, that you might use your knowledge to be an encouragement for the 30 seconds your paths cross.

Thanks everyone - you're my group, my tribe, my comfort and my frustration.  I love you all.

Blessings for Today Ya'll ... we need 'em every day!
Heather

Shoooot!! And I had been doing pretty well avoiding Lucille Ball moments!?!??

Shoot!!! To the young man who owns a silver Chevy and parked in front of my sister's house for the city fireworks:  

You see, my daughter has a silver Chevy. But yours was first -and Silver - and facing the right direction.... Granted your student folder for TTC threw me.  But much to my shock I just decided she had a boyfriend she wasn't wanting us to know about ... I grinned a little and noticed all of your tools  and wondered just HOW MUCH you used our daughter's car anyway?!? 

I tried to start the car but the key wouldn't go in. 🤔🤔 odd -- it unlocked your door!!  😔

I looked around again -- 2 pairs of shoes ... A change of clothes ... And then I looked up and in the rear view mirror I could see ..... WAIT is That my Daughter's car?!?!? Shoot!!! 

In my panic I jumped out of your car (honking the horn as I got out) ... This startled the crowd in front of my sister's house so I smiled and waved at them hoping they wouldn't say anything and walked as casually to my daughter's car across the street!!! With certainty,  I locked your car back up because I jabbed at the lock button roughly five or six times in my panic!  But there are so many people outside I'm sure your things will be well protected.  Well,  I mean - you know ... Protected from everyone but me!!! 😱😱😱😱😨😨

I'm So Sorry!!!! 😁😁

Sincerely, 

Lucille Ball 

The apology I was scared to give - but had to

For 18 months I have cried and prayed for and begged God for answers.  Two years ago I heard from God to go get this boy who was in Foster Care. To bring him into my home and love him and make a difference, and show him God.  My husband agreed - which was kind of a big thing.  My husband doesn't usually have the willingness to get involved in anything that could get messy and well we had to go through DHS to get him after all!

We got him in our home.  The harder we loved him, the more things fell apart.  

We told him about God.  He had heard of Jesus but had not grown up in church and didn't really have anyone who spoke words of truth and life into him before. Not with his biological parents and not in his foster home before us.  I'm sure they are good people and maybe even took him to church - I don't know.  But when we would tak about the Lord in our home he asked lots of questions.  One night in particular broke my heart and set me back on my heels. This ten year old black eyed little boy looked up into my blue eyes and said "If God is so good why did he let all of these things happen to me?"

He had a brother and sister. He had been separated from them by DHS and adopted out separately.  He missed them terribly. 

How do you look into little 10 year old eyes and begin to explain the sovereignty of God? I do not have 10 year old vocabulary for what I would have said to an adult. 

But in my foolishness I made promises to him God never intended for me to keep. They have haunted me for 18 months.  I talked to him about Joseph and the coat of many colors and all of the "bad" things God brought through Joseph's life so that in the end God may be glorified and how the children of Isreal were saved from starvation because of the things he had endured in his life.  He decided that when we adopted him we should change his middle name to Joseph. I cried.  He received it - and saw the big picture! 

But in the dark moments - dealing with his past hurts, he could not get victory.  He told me he loved us and Wanted us to be his family,  but then he would feel guilty about his mom and "maybe I should be adopted by a black family?"  -- He is half Mexican descent and 1/4 Cherokee 1/4 African American. 

His struggle became more than we were equipped to help him through.  DHS and Corey and I made the decision (a week before Christmas) that for his sake, and for the sake of our family, that he needed to move on.  

They picked him up from school.  He came down the hallway (I worked in his building) smiled that amazing grin and waved at me.  I snuck out of my classroom and watched his back until he disappeared.  Then I sat on the floor in the girls bathroom and sobbed.  He had no idea they were taking him to my house to get his things and move to another home.  

I kept up with him through his case worker and he didn't have it easy when he left us. Even stayed in the shelter for a while.  But he made a friend in school. A Hispanic friend who has a huge heart.  When he heard they were going to send my boy back to the shelter again he begged his mom to take my boy in. She agreed.  She went through training and got certified and he moved in with her and her son. 

After a few months he found me on Instagram and we have been messaging occasionally.  A few months ago his foster mom invited us to his birthday. She told me he was  so excited he couldn't sleep or even sit still. But when we got there he didn't know what to say and did his best to ignore us.   This amazing family had hired a food truck to make authentic Mexican food in their front yard and we got a lesson on a proper Hispanic Birthday party .... P.S. To all of my white friends ... We totally do the whole piñata thing wrong! 

But he hugged us and we said goodbye. We continued to message some. His new foster mom found out I work at Shepherd's Fold Ranch and ..... Guess who is at camp this week!?!?!?!

My boy and his foster brother!!!  I have been praying for tonight for 18 months.  The night I got to look into his little black eyes again and this time I said  ... I am so sorry. I made promises to you and got your hopes up for things that I just wasn't good enough to make happen.  I mean for a while I questioned myself.  Did I Really hear from God?! I mean I KNOW I heard God say to bring him into my home!  I promised him we would never send him away.  It doesn't matter who made the final decision to move him out of my house ... Me promising him that has haunted me for 18 months.  I knew that was all he would remember.  

I had a friend message me about a week after he left.  I got the message in Walmart and when I read it I went to sobbing right there surrounded by all the light bulbs in aisle 7.  She had been praying for me because she knew my heart was broken.  God told her to tell me - I didn't miss it.  He did send me to get him.  He needed me to get him out of his current home - everyone was too comfortable there.  He needed me to be the catalyst to move him along to where he was eventually supposed to be.  The only mistake I made was presuming I would get to keep him forever.   

So tonight I cried - I apologized  and told him how happy I was that he was in such an amazing home with a foster brother that was a best friend with an awesome heart. 

He interrupted me and said "you don't have to cry!! It's okay I forgive you!!" With concern for me written all over his face. And I told him that right there was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the walls of that elementary school - that and his infectious giggle!!  

I told him that all of the other things I promised, I would try to follow through with.  That I would always be here to talk to and come to birthday parties and try to learn Spanish (he giggled at that thought) and that one thing I promised him back then that I was able to follow through on?!? I would never stop praying for him. I never have - I never will. 

It did my heart good to see him and Corey and his Foster Brother sitting on the hill together tonight visiting like old friends.  All week long I've been able to watch him and Piper take care of each other - buy each other snacks in the store and just talk. 

God is good -- all the time.

All the time -- God is good! 

There are No words for how loved God has made me feel this week, allowing me to mend one of my most regretted shortcomings.  I got a little boy's hopes up with promises I had attached to a Word I had from God.  I know it was my heart that jumped out there and did it! I know I meant well.  But I also know there was a 10 year old scared and hurt and confused about 10 days before Christmas 18 months ago.  But tonight he talked to me. He talked to me like he used to talk to me out at recess.  He talked about video games, and wanting a dog, and playing the cello.  And he forgave me.  

Thank you God for such mercy. 

 Blessings for tonight ya'll 

        We need 'em every day. 

Heather 

Palm Trees in Oklahoma

Week 3 campers all checked in at Shepherd's Fold and snuggled into ... Well never mind they are dividing into their tribes for competition week 😂 

But me?? Because apparently if there is a plant on clearance for $1 I MUST buy it.  Then when I get the dang palm tree (or 3) home and my husband says "Heather that doesn't look like a FARM" 🤔🤔🤔

I am too stubborn not to stick it in the ground.  I mean ... 

It said it would be GREAT shade

 ✅ we need that in OK 

It said it needs low water 

✅✅ because it's OK and well ... I'm me! 

And it said it was $1

✅✅✅✅✅ because well - that's awesome! 

So I made Corey show me where the "permanent" chicken coop would go.  I jumped up and down on my shovel in the Osage County rock bed as the moon quickly becomes my only companion ... 

 ... I'll let you know how palm trees grow in rock.  And if they decide to embarrass me and take ---- I'll rename my rooster ... 

A-Hab The A-Rab ... 🎤🎤🎤 the sheik of the burnin' sands 

After the Ray Stevens song.  

I mean those chickens will have the most luxurious shade in all of Osage county if this thing (these 3 things) take off! 

Now - I have to go tell my husband it isn't polite to pray against all your wife's hard work!  

And .... To remind myself that THIS is my workout. Working in the yard - with the animals - that's how I burn calories.   Don't remind me I should be doing more of that and just tune in later to see if there's Palm Trees in Osage County!! 

It could be like magic beans after all!!! 

I Miss You Dad

I miss you Dad 

But I go on because you taught me to be strong. 

I miss you, but I keep serving the Lord because I saw Him change your life. 

I miss your humor, but am passing it on to your grandkids. 

I miss the things you were interested in - they showed how deep you were. 

I miss how you held your convictions with firmness and love - I'm still trying to get this right - I don't think I make the impact you did. 

I miss how road trips got longer because you had to stop at every roadside stand. 

I miss how you owned  one of every animal you felt like - just because you could. 

I miss the way newborn babies responded to you. 

I miss our private discussions, we almost solved the world's problems - but today's problems are so much more overwhelming - I wish we could discuss them. 

I miss watching you appreciate Mom's hospitality and talent in the kitchen. 

I miss watermelon cut with your pocket knife in the field. 

I miss driving around with the window down looking at crops with you. 

I miss harvest time with you. 

I miss country music with you - you would hate today's country. 

I miss hearing you sing in church - LOL you were awful - so you sang loud! 

I miss the freckles on your arms and your crooked little finger. 

I miss your hugs.

I miss the smell of dirt and oil when you came in from outside or gave me a hug. 

I miss how you could motivate me by teasing me - made me so mad I finished the job ahead of schedule every time. 

I miss watching You watch Mohammed Ali. 

I miss watching you play dominoes with your brothers.  

I miss having a Granddad for my kids - but Nick and Porter have been good to them and they know a taste of Nuttall because of them. 

I miss watching you enjoy a few bites of everything at every meal. - Oh and sweet tea doesn't taste good anymore without you either. 

I miss realizing that you had turned off the tv/radio and the house was quiet while you listened to me sing and play piano.  You didn't gush about it - you never made me cocky but I knew you loved it. 

I miss your discipline - I so respected that I couldn't walk all over you. 

I miss your unconditional love - I'm sorry for when I disappointed you. 

I just miss you. 

Happy Father's Day without you here. 

Day 3 we're finally getting somewhere

We are finally getting somewhere… things were changing so fast yesterday that I could barely keep up with it in my brain, much less put it down in words. 

 

She has had Bad headaches and dizzy spells, hives, the occasional minor nose bleed,  blood in her stools (like twice) and urine (again maybe twice) but about six weeks ago she started occasionally gagging and spitting out blood.  The first couple times it was no more than if you would have bit your cheek and spit. But each episode there has been more and more blood.  Tuesday night one of my older girls had her and called me in a panic.  She had gagged and spit up blood again but this time it was all blood and about 1/3 - 1/2 cup.  Enough to really scare both of them.   She also had a headache and chest pain and was dizzy. I was still at work so I met her in town and the Dr on call said to go straight to the ER.  She did it a couple more times on the way into Tulsa. Once in the ER they said she was anemic.  They admitted her and said they want to get to the bottom of it before releasing her since it gets worse and worse each time.  

They cast a wide net and have been testing and testing for everything from cancer to tick disease and lung infections ... Checking the possibility that it was just maybe a bad nose bleed that runs backwards and she ends up spitting it out.   Chest x-ray in the ER was read by a radiologist who never sees pediatric stuff and ruled it "chronic deterioration of the lung consistent with a history of cystic fibrosis."  😳😳😳. She has never had CF before?!   

So they have had pulmonologists and ENT's running tests ... Today the ENT did a something ...ectomy where he sticks a scope up through each nostril to assess for possible nose bleeds etc.  he found nothing.  

They are pretty sure she has silent reflux causing possible esophageal and or stomach ulcers that bleed when inflamed.   That's what they THINK.   We have ONE pediatric GI Specialist in Tulsa apparently and he is on vacation until next week.😳😠😠.  Because of the possible worst case scenario they didn't want to release us and have something break loose and us be unable to stop the bleeding in time to help her.  Combine this with the fact we don't have anyone servicing our area at home with ambulatory care (it's a political chest pounding match about Whose area it is.)   That makes releasing her all the more tricky.  Plus - when the GI puts her under the two others want to run in and do scope procedures as well just to have it. Seems like everyone wants to stick probes in my little girl.  

They ran an allergy blood panel and see if any food allergies show up that could be dangerous and will make the decision about releasing us later. Meanwhile her chest still hurts so it's just frustrating.  

So best case scenario for us should be a fairly easy fix - worst case scenario could just need a lot of attention. 

They have decided we can be released later today with some gastric medicine that seems to be keeping things under control.  From what we can guess the bleeding is from the esophagus and may or may not be magnified by an allergy of some sort.  They drew a bunch of blood from her so they can run an allergy test equivalent to getting the hundreds of test patches done in an allergy clinic but that won't be back until Sunday.

The name of the condition is barely able to be pronounced - and until we are 100% sure that's what it is, I won't worry about trying to spell it.  

********Good News! ********

We are getting released today and will be spending the weekend in Tulsa at  a friend's condo they have for business clients that fly in for meetings or whatever.  This way we all have peace of mind that if there's another episode we are 15 minutes from the ER - TOPS.  I will run home - while she stays in Tulsa with Dad or sisters - and get clothes etc and we will just wait for the GI Specialist on Monday and Tuesday.  When we came in they cast a really wide net and while all of the possibilities were overwhelming, it was comforting knowing there wouldn't be anything come flying in sideways we hadn't considered. 

  Carly crawled up in her bed and painted her toe nails. 

Paige stuffed herself under the playground equipment in a Walking game of hide and seek

The activity room had ceramics to paint. 

 

 

We had a lot of friends bring coloring books and puzzles, - we have read one Junie B Jones book and part of a Little House on the Prairie book so far. Sisters kept things hopping and Netflix provided a whole tv series based on How To Train Your Dragon that she loved. 

Beary (pronounced Barry) was a big hit with all of the doctors... One who gave him a complete examination "thinking it was Piper". 

We still aren't done with this journey but at least tonight she will be laying on a blanket in downtown Tulsa watching a Drillers game and fireworks (as long as she can take it) instead of seeing these same 4 walls.  As we already knew, St. Francis Children's Hospital is the Best!  Sometime later I am going to review each of the doctors just for info if anyone ever lands here. 

For now I have to finish a project from work that I CAN do remotely.  Thank you Anna Cunningham for helping me with the questions IN the office,  and a big thank you to SFR for not even questioning where I need to be right now.  But without a shadow of a doubt the MVP of this week has been Jessica.  My little Ruthie.  Who was alone with her little sister miles out in the country and had to deal with large amounts of blood coming out of her little sister's mouth!! She did everything  perfectly, and like every great caregiver, didn't break down until she knew she was safe!! Then the tears flowed.  You did perfect and will be a great mom someday Ruthie!  Also, Shana and Carly dropped everything and came to the hospital for a family evening and producing lots of giggles from a scared little sister!! 

We will update again if there are any changes.  Thank you for all of the concern and prayers.  I have no doubt God is exactly the same place He was before all of this started.  Firmly in control of everything. 

Blessings for today y'all ...we need them every day! 

Heather