You see, I won't always post specific daily events regarding Anxiety. My daughter is growing up and while in the future, we may write together ... I doubt she will want me to say that she had a day where she wouldn't get out of the car because she didn't want to look like a "big 'ol jerk" without her backpack (that she left in her room). You see, she isn't the only daughter I have that struggles with actual Anxiety vs. Moments of anxiety. I do not post specifics of her days or her battles to take stuff out on me so she can re-gain her day. But I suspect that some day she will.
Judging from the comments on FB that I (and others) get when I Do post about Anxiety, I can tell that some of you don't get it. I had hoped that because she is the last of 5 girls and girls can be prone to manipulation and drama without struggling with anxiety, that you would see that I might be at least be a little more capable of discerning whether it's a fit, or manipulation, and put at least a little bit of weight behind my stories of experience.
When I worked in the public school I saw both kinds of kids. Kids who used "MOMENTS" of anxiety to manipulate, and kids who anxiety jumped on top of without warning and threatened to take them out. That's exactly what Anxiety does. It attacks the recipient and there are days of victory -- kids can stiff-arm Anxiety when it knocks and keep going. There are other days when Anxiety takes them out! For the rest of the day. A lot of times Mom has to come pick them up from school so they can reset and focus and try again tomorrow.
While those days seem almost unfathomable and exhausting to us, they don't hold a candle to the days they stay and fight it out. On the day there's a battle, and Mom leaves them at school instead of coddling them (which I've never been accused of .... making life easy for my girls.... I feel guilty about not covering them and taking all the pain away .... but 99% of the time "Suck it up Buttercup" is more of what comes out of my mouth), Those are the worst days. Because when she gets home, she has to sit and de-stress and gather all of the frayed pieces of herself and put them back together.
I've even had friends who have taken care of her for a couple days and proclaim "She Is Fine! We had a few bumpy spots but she has been great!" I have 2 thoughts when people say that to me.
1) Oh good ... I genuinely am glad she fought and fought to get through those days so that she wasn't a burden to you ... and so that she has one more victory to think back on.
2) Oh great! Because this means she has been fighting non-stop since she left me and when we get alone in the car - or at home, we're going to have a huge adjustment period while she settles and gets out all of the emotions she has been fighting to stuff down while she was with you. This also means if I weren't that strong person I referred to earlier I wouldn't last. I would become the victim. I would feel sorry for myself that although I know I'm my daughter's strength, I'm also the vacuum cleaner. I suck up all the raw moments it takes to regain normal and we go again.
Sometimes the vacuum is dirty and overheats because of all that doing it's job requires. I mean, I'm doing what I'm created for - but the reality is it's crazy hard.
My days are numbered because she is growing up and it will become her specifics to share. I can post about the struggle in general but not specifics. My days are also numbered because it seems that for every 1 I reach there's 2 who message me to just whip her @**and tell her to get out of the car and go in to school...... (come here - how 'bout I whip your .....I digress). Or there's 3 who message me and tell me that she is just manipulating me to get what she wants (here's what I'll say to that. You call my daughter a manipulator? I say game recognizes game!)
I grew up in the 80's --- we didn't have peanut allergies or anxiety disorders, or autism. If we did it was in SUCH smaller numbers it wasn't identified yet. I wanted to reach out to those in my generation to share my life because if one of your children didn't suffer from this ... one of your grandchildren will. It's not a discipline issue, True cases of anxiety aren't even a spiritual issue, although I do believe God is the Only complete cure --- when it's his will to reach out healing. But let's face it - we see in the Bible where saints petitioned Him for healing and he said "My Grace is Sufficient". It's time that we as the church stop acting like these problems aren't real. It's time we stop acting like these disorders are sin. We have and are praying for deliverance from this, but I trust God enough to receive whatever level of deliverance He sees fit to bring today ... even if that is nothing. My goal then becomes - how do we get through today with our faith, and our resolve to fight again renewed for tomorrow?
My posts aren't a plea for advice - or ridicule - or belittling. They are to show you what's out there. So that when your life crosses paths with someone who struggles, instead of being oblivious and trampling right over them, that you might use your knowledge to be an encouragement for the 30 seconds your paths cross.
Thanks everyone - you're my group, my tribe, my comfort and my frustration. I love you all.
Blessings for Today Ya'll ... we need 'em every day!
Heather
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