We got him in our home. The harder we loved him, the more things fell apart.
We told him about God. He had heard of Jesus but had not grown up in church and didn't really have anyone who spoke words of truth and life into him before. Not with his biological parents and not in his foster home before us. I'm sure they are good people and maybe even took him to church - I don't know. But when we would tak about the Lord in our home he asked lots of questions. One night in particular broke my heart and set me back on my heels. This ten year old black eyed little boy looked up into my blue eyes and said "If God is so good why did he let all of these things happen to me?"
He had a brother and sister. He had been separated from them by DHS and adopted out separately. He missed them terribly.
How do you look into little 10 year old eyes and begin to explain the sovereignty of God? I do not have 10 year old vocabulary for what I would have said to an adult.
But in my foolishness I made promises to him God never intended for me to keep. They have haunted me for 18 months. I talked to him about Joseph and the coat of many colors and all of the "bad" things God brought through Joseph's life so that in the end God may be glorified and how the children of Isreal were saved from starvation because of the things he had endured in his life. He decided that when we adopted him we should change his middle name to Joseph. I cried. He received it - and saw the big picture!
But in the dark moments - dealing with his past hurts, he could not get victory. He told me he loved us and Wanted us to be his family, but then he would feel guilty about his mom and "maybe I should be adopted by a black family?" -- He is half Mexican descent and 1/4 Cherokee 1/4 African American.
His struggle became more than we were equipped to help him through. DHS and Corey and I made the decision (a week before Christmas) that for his sake, and for the sake of our family, that he needed to move on.
They picked him up from school. He came down the hallway (I worked in his building) smiled that amazing grin and waved at me. I snuck out of my classroom and watched his back until he disappeared. Then I sat on the floor in the girls bathroom and sobbed. He had no idea they were taking him to my house to get his things and move to another home.
I kept up with him through his case worker and he didn't have it easy when he left us. Even stayed in the shelter for a while. But he made a friend in school. A Hispanic friend who has a huge heart. When he heard they were going to send my boy back to the shelter again he begged his mom to take my boy in. She agreed. She went through training and got certified and he moved in with her and her son.
After a few months he found me on Instagram and we have been messaging occasionally. A few months ago his foster mom invited us to his birthday. She told me he was so excited he couldn't sleep or even sit still. But when we got there he didn't know what to say and did his best to ignore us. This amazing family had hired a food truck to make authentic Mexican food in their front yard and we got a lesson on a proper Hispanic Birthday party .... P.S. To all of my white friends ... We totally do the whole piñata thing wrong!
But he hugged us and we said goodbye. We continued to message some. His new foster mom found out I work at Shepherd's Fold Ranch and ..... Guess who is at camp this week!?!?!?!
My boy and his foster brother!!! I have been praying for tonight for 18 months. The night I got to look into his little black eyes again and this time I said ... I am so sorry. I made promises to you and got your hopes up for things that I just wasn't good enough to make happen. I mean for a while I questioned myself. Did I Really hear from God?! I mean I KNOW I heard God say to bring him into my home! I promised him we would never send him away. It doesn't matter who made the final decision to move him out of my house ... Me promising him that has haunted me for 18 months. I knew that was all he would remember.
I had a friend message me about a week after he left. I got the message in Walmart and when I read it I went to sobbing right there surrounded by all the light bulbs in aisle 7. She had been praying for me because she knew my heart was broken. God told her to tell me - I didn't miss it. He did send me to get him. He needed me to get him out of his current home - everyone was too comfortable there. He needed me to be the catalyst to move him along to where he was eventually supposed to be. The only mistake I made was presuming I would get to keep him forever.
So tonight I cried - I apologized and told him how happy I was that he was in such an amazing home with a foster brother that was a best friend with an awesome heart.
He interrupted me and said "you don't have to cry!! It's okay I forgive you!!" With concern for me written all over his face. And I told him that right there was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the walls of that elementary school - that and his infectious giggle!!
I told him that all of the other things I promised, I would try to follow through with. That I would always be here to talk to and come to birthday parties and try to learn Spanish (he giggled at that thought) and that one thing I promised him back then that I was able to follow through on?!? I would never stop praying for him. I never have - I never will.
It did my heart good to see him and Corey and his Foster Brother sitting on the hill together tonight visiting like old friends. All week long I've been able to watch him and Piper take care of each other - buy each other snacks in the store and just talk.
God is good -- all the time.
All the time -- God is good!
There are No words for how loved God has made me feel this week, allowing me to mend one of my most regretted shortcomings. I got a little boy's hopes up with promises I had attached to a Word I had from God. I know it was my heart that jumped out there and did it! I know I meant well. But I also know there was a 10 year old scared and hurt and confused about 10 days before Christmas 18 months ago. But tonight he talked to me. He talked to me like he used to talk to me out at recess. He talked about video games, and wanting a dog, and playing the cello. And he forgave me.
Thank you God for such mercy.
Blessings for tonight ya'll
We need 'em every day.
Heather
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