Those Awkward Flights

Okay ... so I'm on a flight to Atlanta. I am pretty - lucky. My husband works for a major airline and our benefits rock!

I have probably flown hundreds of times in the 26 years he has worked there. Side Note: people always feel sorry for my husband because I have flown A Lot more than he has -usually he stays home to work.  He does not refrain from flying because he has to work to pay for my excursions - stop saying that - you know who you are. He doesn't like to fly. Yes I see the irony. No there's nothing you should be scared of.  When he does he usually doesn't eat much,  if at all,  the 24 hours ahead of the flight and even when we land he can stay a little off his game for a day or so... and then 24 hrs before we head home - same thing.  He usually REALLY enjoys approximately 37 minutes of most of our vacations.  But those 37 minutes are enough to keep him doing it at least once a year.  He never checks a bag,  and by the time we had 4 children I finally told him it was no longer up for debate - we are checking our bags.  ALL of them.  Except one backpack that we could put one change of clothes in for everyone.  This lengthened his 24 hour prep time to approximately 36 hours pre-flight for a while but he has leveled out some. 

 

 

 

Anyway,  in all my years of flying I have sat next to almost every kind of flyer.  The lady who could probably have saved the Titanic with what was in her giant purse and she may be able to stop hunger in Africa with what's in there if you would just reroute her. The guy who smells (that was a lot of fun), the lady who never shuts up (quickly pretend you have a headache and go to sleep) .... I may or  may not have been her once or twice. 

 

 The Beach Boys...yes THE Beach (freaking) Boys!! They were my first concert ever at the South Dakota State Fair when I was maybe 15! Unfortunately,  they thought a lot of themselves! That plus the fact they were wrinkled like (a very tan) prune in their Hawaiian shirts left me a little sad. The very large man who couldn't even try to stop it and just spilled over into your seat without apology,  but he was so nice I didn't even notice! I would ride next to him 95 times over Stink Boy! 

 

And I have been on that flight where the mom of a toddler had to yell his name so many times I'd be willing to lay money on the fact that NONE of us on that flight would have ever even Considered naming our child Jeffrey ever again!! I have maybe BEEN that mom once or twice as well - sorry about that! But that was before Pinterest educated me that we should hand out goody bags to passengers nearby before take off complete with ear plugs to ease the sting. 

Insert follow up:  later this same weekend, I was on another flight where a 2 year old little curly haired girl was DONE being on an airplane. BOTH of her parents put on Beats headphones and proceeded to just wrestle the child while she continued to scream.....  NO .... JUST STINKIN' NO!!!! TAKE YO BEATS OFF AND OFFER THEM TO SOME POOR SOUL AROUND YOU WHO IS HAVING TO ENDURE YOUR PRECIOUS AND ENTERTAIN YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!! (Huffy breath) 

Over the years I've had health challenges jump on me one at a time that have caused me to expand in size a little (maybe a lot,  but not A LOT).  But I've always been able to buckle my seat belt and stay within my seat so I feel like I'm fighting the good fight. 

Apparently for women within my size,  there's a uniform.  Jean capris, sandals with painted toe nails, black shirt, and jewelry. 

I mean, ya kind of like this but  - dad gum! I don't look like this!!! 

 

I didn't know this before today,  but here she come. Strutting down the aisle and plopped down in the middle seat next to my window seat.  We both technically stay in our seats but it's those arms.... whose arm goes in front? Is it acceptable to just give up and have your arms touch? Apparently not,  she oozes awkwardness,  or frustration I'm not sure.  She is much younger than me,  you can tell this by looks,  but you can also tell this by the fact that everything is a big deal.  She sighs so much... about everything.... honey,  try being in labor for 24 hours before you all of a sudden see old fashion metal forceps in places they shouldn't be.  And a young country cowboy trying to learn to be a doctor on the other end, with his cowboy boots pushing against the bed while he pulls with all his might trying to convince your daughter it's time to be born.  THAT'S a big deal.  

Anyway,  we have spent this entire flight playing the hokey pokey putting our arms in and then putting our arms out to avoid touching each other causing her to heave another sigh.  I'm no longer in need of a workout except I for sure am looking forward to shaking it all about in hopefully 5 minutes! I have never had this difficult of a ride and I don't have Children with me!!

Air travel can be exhausting, and etiquette varies from one flight to the next, but if you fly long enough you will encounter every possible scenario!!!  Happy flying! 

Blessings for today ya'll, we need 'em every day! 

Heather 

My Days Are Numbered

My Days Are Numbered.... And they're close.

 
You see, I won't always post specific daily events regarding Anxiety.  My daughter is growing up and while in the future, we may write together ... I doubt she will want me to say that she had a day where she wouldn't get out of the car because she didn't want to look like a "big 'ol jerk" without her backpack (that she left in her room).  You see, she isn't the only daughter I have that struggles with actual Anxiety vs. Moments of anxiety.  I do not post specifics of her days or her battles to take stuff out on me so she can re-gain her day. But I suspect that some day she will.

Judging from the comments on FB that I (and others) get when I Do post about Anxiety, I can tell that some of you don't get it.  I had hoped that because she is the last of 5 girls and girls can be prone to manipulation and drama without struggling with anxiety, that you would see that I might be at least be a little more capable of discerning whether it's a fit, or manipulation, and put at least a little bit of weight behind my stories of experience.

When I worked in the public school I saw both kinds of kids.  Kids who used "MOMENTS" of anxiety to manipulate, and kids who anxiety jumped on top of without warning and threatened to take them out.  That's exactly what Anxiety does.  It attacks the recipient and there are days of victory -- kids can stiff-arm Anxiety when it knocks and keep going.  There are other days when Anxiety takes them out! For the rest of the day.  A lot of times Mom has to come pick them up from school so they can reset and focus and try again tomorrow.

While those days seem almost unfathomable and exhausting to us, they don't hold a candle to the days they stay and fight it out.  On the day there's a battle, and Mom leaves them at school instead of coddling them (which I've never been accused of .... making life easy for my girls.... I feel guilty about not covering them and taking all the pain away .... but 99% of the time "Suck it up Buttercup" is more of what comes out of my mouth), Those are the worst days.  Because when she gets home, she has to sit and de-stress and gather all of the frayed pieces of herself and put them back together.

I've even had friends who have taken care of her for a couple days and proclaim "She Is Fine!  We had a few bumpy spots but she has been great!"  I have 2 thoughts when people say that to me.

1)  Oh good ... I genuinely am glad she fought and fought to get through those days so that she wasn't a burden to you ... and so that she has one more victory to think back on.

2)  Oh great!  Because this means she has been fighting non-stop since she left me and when we get alone in the car - or at home, we're going to have a huge adjustment period while she settles and gets out all of the emotions she has been fighting to stuff down while she was with you.  This also means if I weren't that strong person I referred to earlier I wouldn't last.  I would become the victim.  I would feel sorry for myself that although I know I'm my daughter's strength, I'm also the vacuum cleaner.  I suck up all the raw moments it takes to regain normal and we go again.

Sometimes the vacuum is dirty and overheats because of all that doing it's job requires.  I mean, I'm doing what I'm created for - but the reality is it's crazy hard.

My days are numbered because she is growing up and it will become her specifics to share.  I can post about the struggle in general but not specifics.  My days are also numbered because it seems that for every 1 I reach there's 2 who message me to just whip her @**and tell her to get out of the car and go in to school......  (come here - how 'bout I whip your .....I digress). Or there's 3 who message me and tell me that she is just manipulating me to get what she wants (here's what I'll say to that.  You call my daughter a manipulator? I say game recognizes game!)

I grew up in the 80's --- we didn't have peanut allergies or anxiety disorders, or autism.  If we did it was in SUCH smaller numbers it wasn't identified yet.  I wanted to reach out to those in my generation to share my life because if one of your children didn't suffer from this ... one of your grandchildren will.  It's not a discipline issue, True cases of anxiety aren't even a spiritual issue, although I do believe God is the Only complete cure --- when it's his will to reach out healing.  But let's face it - we see in the Bible where saints petitioned Him for healing and he said "My Grace is Sufficient".  It's time that we as the church stop acting like these problems aren't real.  It's time we stop acting like these disorders are sin.  We have and are praying for deliverance from this, but I trust God enough to receive whatever level of deliverance He sees fit to bring today ... even if that is nothing.  My goal then becomes - how do we get through today with our faith, and our resolve to fight again renewed for tomorrow?

My posts aren't a plea for advice - or ridicule - or belittling.  They are to show you what's out there.  So that when your life crosses paths with someone who struggles, instead of being oblivious and trampling right over them, that you might use your knowledge to be an encouragement for the 30 seconds your paths cross.

Thanks everyone - you're my group, my tribe, my comfort and my frustration.  I love you all.

Blessings for Today Ya'll ... we need 'em every day!
Heather

Shoooot!! And I had been doing pretty well avoiding Lucille Ball moments!?!??

Shoot!!! To the young man who owns a silver Chevy and parked in front of my sister's house for the city fireworks:  

You see, my daughter has a silver Chevy. But yours was first -and Silver - and facing the right direction.... Granted your student folder for TTC threw me.  But much to my shock I just decided she had a boyfriend she wasn't wanting us to know about ... I grinned a little and noticed all of your tools  and wondered just HOW MUCH you used our daughter's car anyway?!? 

I tried to start the car but the key wouldn't go in. 🤔🤔 odd -- it unlocked your door!!  😔

I looked around again -- 2 pairs of shoes ... A change of clothes ... And then I looked up and in the rear view mirror I could see ..... WAIT is That my Daughter's car?!?!? Shoot!!! 

In my panic I jumped out of your car (honking the horn as I got out) ... This startled the crowd in front of my sister's house so I smiled and waved at them hoping they wouldn't say anything and walked as casually to my daughter's car across the street!!! With certainty,  I locked your car back up because I jabbed at the lock button roughly five or six times in my panic!  But there are so many people outside I'm sure your things will be well protected.  Well,  I mean - you know ... Protected from everyone but me!!! 😱😱😱😱😨😨

I'm So Sorry!!!! 😁😁

Sincerely, 

Lucille Ball 

The apology I was scared to give - but had to

For 18 months I have cried and prayed for and begged God for answers.  Two years ago I heard from God to go get this boy who was in Foster Care. To bring him into my home and love him and make a difference, and show him God.  My husband agreed - which was kind of a big thing.  My husband doesn't usually have the willingness to get involved in anything that could get messy and well we had to go through DHS to get him after all!

We got him in our home.  The harder we loved him, the more things fell apart.  

We told him about God.  He had heard of Jesus but had not grown up in church and didn't really have anyone who spoke words of truth and life into him before. Not with his biological parents and not in his foster home before us.  I'm sure they are good people and maybe even took him to church - I don't know.  But when we would tak about the Lord in our home he asked lots of questions.  One night in particular broke my heart and set me back on my heels. This ten year old black eyed little boy looked up into my blue eyes and said "If God is so good why did he let all of these things happen to me?"

He had a brother and sister. He had been separated from them by DHS and adopted out separately.  He missed them terribly. 

How do you look into little 10 year old eyes and begin to explain the sovereignty of God? I do not have 10 year old vocabulary for what I would have said to an adult. 

But in my foolishness I made promises to him God never intended for me to keep. They have haunted me for 18 months.  I talked to him about Joseph and the coat of many colors and all of the "bad" things God brought through Joseph's life so that in the end God may be glorified and how the children of Isreal were saved from starvation because of the things he had endured in his life.  He decided that when we adopted him we should change his middle name to Joseph. I cried.  He received it - and saw the big picture! 

But in the dark moments - dealing with his past hurts, he could not get victory.  He told me he loved us and Wanted us to be his family,  but then he would feel guilty about his mom and "maybe I should be adopted by a black family?"  -- He is half Mexican descent and 1/4 Cherokee 1/4 African American. 

His struggle became more than we were equipped to help him through.  DHS and Corey and I made the decision (a week before Christmas) that for his sake, and for the sake of our family, that he needed to move on.  

They picked him up from school.  He came down the hallway (I worked in his building) smiled that amazing grin and waved at me.  I snuck out of my classroom and watched his back until he disappeared.  Then I sat on the floor in the girls bathroom and sobbed.  He had no idea they were taking him to my house to get his things and move to another home.  

I kept up with him through his case worker and he didn't have it easy when he left us. Even stayed in the shelter for a while.  But he made a friend in school. A Hispanic friend who has a huge heart.  When he heard they were going to send my boy back to the shelter again he begged his mom to take my boy in. She agreed.  She went through training and got certified and he moved in with her and her son. 

After a few months he found me on Instagram and we have been messaging occasionally.  A few months ago his foster mom invited us to his birthday. She told me he was  so excited he couldn't sleep or even sit still. But when we got there he didn't know what to say and did his best to ignore us.   This amazing family had hired a food truck to make authentic Mexican food in their front yard and we got a lesson on a proper Hispanic Birthday party .... P.S. To all of my white friends ... We totally do the whole piñata thing wrong! 

But he hugged us and we said goodbye. We continued to message some. His new foster mom found out I work at Shepherd's Fold Ranch and ..... Guess who is at camp this week!?!?!?!

My boy and his foster brother!!!  I have been praying for tonight for 18 months.  The night I got to look into his little black eyes again and this time I said  ... I am so sorry. I made promises to you and got your hopes up for things that I just wasn't good enough to make happen.  I mean for a while I questioned myself.  Did I Really hear from God?! I mean I KNOW I heard God say to bring him into my home!  I promised him we would never send him away.  It doesn't matter who made the final decision to move him out of my house ... Me promising him that has haunted me for 18 months.  I knew that was all he would remember.  

I had a friend message me about a week after he left.  I got the message in Walmart and when I read it I went to sobbing right there surrounded by all the light bulbs in aisle 7.  She had been praying for me because she knew my heart was broken.  God told her to tell me - I didn't miss it.  He did send me to get him.  He needed me to get him out of his current home - everyone was too comfortable there.  He needed me to be the catalyst to move him along to where he was eventually supposed to be.  The only mistake I made was presuming I would get to keep him forever.   

So tonight I cried - I apologized  and told him how happy I was that he was in such an amazing home with a foster brother that was a best friend with an awesome heart. 

He interrupted me and said "you don't have to cry!! It's okay I forgive you!!" With concern for me written all over his face. And I told him that right there was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the walls of that elementary school - that and his infectious giggle!!  

I told him that all of the other things I promised, I would try to follow through with.  That I would always be here to talk to and come to birthday parties and try to learn Spanish (he giggled at that thought) and that one thing I promised him back then that I was able to follow through on?!? I would never stop praying for him. I never have - I never will. 

It did my heart good to see him and Corey and his Foster Brother sitting on the hill together tonight visiting like old friends.  All week long I've been able to watch him and Piper take care of each other - buy each other snacks in the store and just talk. 

God is good -- all the time.

All the time -- God is good! 

There are No words for how loved God has made me feel this week, allowing me to mend one of my most regretted shortcomings.  I got a little boy's hopes up with promises I had attached to a Word I had from God.  I know it was my heart that jumped out there and did it! I know I meant well.  But I also know there was a 10 year old scared and hurt and confused about 10 days before Christmas 18 months ago.  But tonight he talked to me. He talked to me like he used to talk to me out at recess.  He talked about video games, and wanting a dog, and playing the cello.  And he forgave me.  

Thank you God for such mercy. 

 Blessings for tonight ya'll 

        We need 'em every day. 

Heather 

Palm Trees in Oklahoma

Week 3 campers all checked in at Shepherd's Fold and snuggled into ... Well never mind they are dividing into their tribes for competition week 😂 

But me?? Because apparently if there is a plant on clearance for $1 I MUST buy it.  Then when I get the dang palm tree (or 3) home and my husband says "Heather that doesn't look like a FARM" 🤔🤔🤔

I am too stubborn not to stick it in the ground.  I mean ... 

It said it would be GREAT shade

 ✅ we need that in OK 

It said it needs low water 

✅✅ because it's OK and well ... I'm me! 

And it said it was $1

✅✅✅✅✅ because well - that's awesome! 

So I made Corey show me where the "permanent" chicken coop would go.  I jumped up and down on my shovel in the Osage County rock bed as the moon quickly becomes my only companion ... 

 ... I'll let you know how palm trees grow in rock.  And if they decide to embarrass me and take ---- I'll rename my rooster ... 

A-Hab The A-Rab ... 🎤🎤🎤 the sheik of the burnin' sands 

After the Ray Stevens song.  

I mean those chickens will have the most luxurious shade in all of Osage county if this thing (these 3 things) take off! 

Now - I have to go tell my husband it isn't polite to pray against all your wife's hard work!  

And .... To remind myself that THIS is my workout. Working in the yard - with the animals - that's how I burn calories.   Don't remind me I should be doing more of that and just tune in later to see if there's Palm Trees in Osage County!! 

It could be like magic beans after all!!! 

I Miss You Dad

I miss you Dad 

But I go on because you taught me to be strong. 

I miss you, but I keep serving the Lord because I saw Him change your life. 

I miss your humor, but am passing it on to your grandkids. 

I miss the things you were interested in - they showed how deep you were. 

I miss how you held your convictions with firmness and love - I'm still trying to get this right - I don't think I make the impact you did. 

I miss how road trips got longer because you had to stop at every roadside stand. 

I miss how you owned  one of every animal you felt like - just because you could. 

I miss the way newborn babies responded to you. 

I miss our private discussions, we almost solved the world's problems - but today's problems are so much more overwhelming - I wish we could discuss them. 

I miss watching you appreciate Mom's hospitality and talent in the kitchen. 

I miss watermelon cut with your pocket knife in the field. 

I miss driving around with the window down looking at crops with you. 

I miss harvest time with you. 

I miss country music with you - you would hate today's country. 

I miss hearing you sing in church - LOL you were awful - so you sang loud! 

I miss the freckles on your arms and your crooked little finger. 

I miss your hugs.

I miss the smell of dirt and oil when you came in from outside or gave me a hug. 

I miss how you could motivate me by teasing me - made me so mad I finished the job ahead of schedule every time. 

I miss watching You watch Mohammed Ali. 

I miss watching you play dominoes with your brothers.  

I miss having a Granddad for my kids - but Nick and Porter have been good to them and they know a taste of Nuttall because of them. 

I miss watching you enjoy a few bites of everything at every meal. - Oh and sweet tea doesn't taste good anymore without you either. 

I miss realizing that you had turned off the tv/radio and the house was quiet while you listened to me sing and play piano.  You didn't gush about it - you never made me cocky but I knew you loved it. 

I miss your discipline - I so respected that I couldn't walk all over you. 

I miss your unconditional love - I'm sorry for when I disappointed you. 

I just miss you. 

Happy Father's Day without you here. 

Day 3 we're finally getting somewhere

We are finally getting somewhere… things were changing so fast yesterday that I could barely keep up with it in my brain, much less put it down in words. 

 

She has had Bad headaches and dizzy spells, hives, the occasional minor nose bleed,  blood in her stools (like twice) and urine (again maybe twice) but about six weeks ago she started occasionally gagging and spitting out blood.  The first couple times it was no more than if you would have bit your cheek and spit. But each episode there has been more and more blood.  Tuesday night one of my older girls had her and called me in a panic.  She had gagged and spit up blood again but this time it was all blood and about 1/3 - 1/2 cup.  Enough to really scare both of them.   She also had a headache and chest pain and was dizzy. I was still at work so I met her in town and the Dr on call said to go straight to the ER.  She did it a couple more times on the way into Tulsa. Once in the ER they said she was anemic.  They admitted her and said they want to get to the bottom of it before releasing her since it gets worse and worse each time.  

They cast a wide net and have been testing and testing for everything from cancer to tick disease and lung infections ... Checking the possibility that it was just maybe a bad nose bleed that runs backwards and she ends up spitting it out.   Chest x-ray in the ER was read by a radiologist who never sees pediatric stuff and ruled it "chronic deterioration of the lung consistent with a history of cystic fibrosis."  😳😳😳. She has never had CF before?!   

So they have had pulmonologists and ENT's running tests ... Today the ENT did a something ...ectomy where he sticks a scope up through each nostril to assess for possible nose bleeds etc.  he found nothing.  

They are pretty sure she has silent reflux causing possible esophageal and or stomach ulcers that bleed when inflamed.   That's what they THINK.   We have ONE pediatric GI Specialist in Tulsa apparently and he is on vacation until next week.😳😠😠.  Because of the possible worst case scenario they didn't want to release us and have something break loose and us be unable to stop the bleeding in time to help her.  Combine this with the fact we don't have anyone servicing our area at home with ambulatory care (it's a political chest pounding match about Whose area it is.)   That makes releasing her all the more tricky.  Plus - when the GI puts her under the two others want to run in and do scope procedures as well just to have it. Seems like everyone wants to stick probes in my little girl.  

They ran an allergy blood panel and see if any food allergies show up that could be dangerous and will make the decision about releasing us later. Meanwhile her chest still hurts so it's just frustrating.  

So best case scenario for us should be a fairly easy fix - worst case scenario could just need a lot of attention. 

They have decided we can be released later today with some gastric medicine that seems to be keeping things under control.  From what we can guess the bleeding is from the esophagus and may or may not be magnified by an allergy of some sort.  They drew a bunch of blood from her so they can run an allergy test equivalent to getting the hundreds of test patches done in an allergy clinic but that won't be back until Sunday.

The name of the condition is barely able to be pronounced - and until we are 100% sure that's what it is, I won't worry about trying to spell it.  

********Good News! ********

We are getting released today and will be spending the weekend in Tulsa at  a friend's condo they have for business clients that fly in for meetings or whatever.  This way we all have peace of mind that if there's another episode we are 15 minutes from the ER - TOPS.  I will run home - while she stays in Tulsa with Dad or sisters - and get clothes etc and we will just wait for the GI Specialist on Monday and Tuesday.  When we came in they cast a really wide net and while all of the possibilities were overwhelming, it was comforting knowing there wouldn't be anything come flying in sideways we hadn't considered. 

  Carly crawled up in her bed and painted her toe nails. 

Paige stuffed herself under the playground equipment in a Walking game of hide and seek

The activity room had ceramics to paint. 

 

 

We had a lot of friends bring coloring books and puzzles, - we have read one Junie B Jones book and part of a Little House on the Prairie book so far. Sisters kept things hopping and Netflix provided a whole tv series based on How To Train Your Dragon that she loved. 

Beary (pronounced Barry) was a big hit with all of the doctors... One who gave him a complete examination "thinking it was Piper". 

We still aren't done with this journey but at least tonight she will be laying on a blanket in downtown Tulsa watching a Drillers game and fireworks (as long as she can take it) instead of seeing these same 4 walls.  As we already knew, St. Francis Children's Hospital is the Best!  Sometime later I am going to review each of the doctors just for info if anyone ever lands here. 

For now I have to finish a project from work that I CAN do remotely.  Thank you Anna Cunningham for helping me with the questions IN the office,  and a big thank you to SFR for not even questioning where I need to be right now.  But without a shadow of a doubt the MVP of this week has been Jessica.  My little Ruthie.  Who was alone with her little sister miles out in the country and had to deal with large amounts of blood coming out of her little sister's mouth!! She did everything  perfectly, and like every great caregiver, didn't break down until she knew she was safe!! Then the tears flowed.  You did perfect and will be a great mom someday Ruthie!  Also, Shana and Carly dropped everything and came to the hospital for a family evening and producing lots of giggles from a scared little sister!! 

We will update again if there are any changes.  Thank you for all of the concern and prayers.  I have no doubt God is exactly the same place He was before all of this started.  Firmly in control of everything. 

Blessings for today y'all ...we need them every day! 

Heather