The apology I was scared to give - but had to

For 18 months I have cried and prayed for and begged God for answers.  Two years ago I heard from God to go get this boy who was in Foster Care. To bring him into my home and love him and make a difference, and show him God.  My husband agreed - which was kind of a big thing.  My husband doesn't usually have the willingness to get involved in anything that could get messy and well we had to go through DHS to get him after all!

We got him in our home.  The harder we loved him, the more things fell apart.  

We told him about God.  He had heard of Jesus but had not grown up in church and didn't really have anyone who spoke words of truth and life into him before. Not with his biological parents and not in his foster home before us.  I'm sure they are good people and maybe even took him to church - I don't know.  But when we would tak about the Lord in our home he asked lots of questions.  One night in particular broke my heart and set me back on my heels. This ten year old black eyed little boy looked up into my blue eyes and said "If God is so good why did he let all of these things happen to me?"

He had a brother and sister. He had been separated from them by DHS and adopted out separately.  He missed them terribly. 

How do you look into little 10 year old eyes and begin to explain the sovereignty of God? I do not have 10 year old vocabulary for what I would have said to an adult. 

But in my foolishness I made promises to him God never intended for me to keep. They have haunted me for 18 months.  I talked to him about Joseph and the coat of many colors and all of the "bad" things God brought through Joseph's life so that in the end God may be glorified and how the children of Isreal were saved from starvation because of the things he had endured in his life.  He decided that when we adopted him we should change his middle name to Joseph. I cried.  He received it - and saw the big picture! 

But in the dark moments - dealing with his past hurts, he could not get victory.  He told me he loved us and Wanted us to be his family,  but then he would feel guilty about his mom and "maybe I should be adopted by a black family?"  -- He is half Mexican descent and 1/4 Cherokee 1/4 African American. 

His struggle became more than we were equipped to help him through.  DHS and Corey and I made the decision (a week before Christmas) that for his sake, and for the sake of our family, that he needed to move on.  

They picked him up from school.  He came down the hallway (I worked in his building) smiled that amazing grin and waved at me.  I snuck out of my classroom and watched his back until he disappeared.  Then I sat on the floor in the girls bathroom and sobbed.  He had no idea they were taking him to my house to get his things and move to another home.  

I kept up with him through his case worker and he didn't have it easy when he left us. Even stayed in the shelter for a while.  But he made a friend in school. A Hispanic friend who has a huge heart.  When he heard they were going to send my boy back to the shelter again he begged his mom to take my boy in. She agreed.  She went through training and got certified and he moved in with her and her son. 

After a few months he found me on Instagram and we have been messaging occasionally.  A few months ago his foster mom invited us to his birthday. She told me he was  so excited he couldn't sleep or even sit still. But when we got there he didn't know what to say and did his best to ignore us.   This amazing family had hired a food truck to make authentic Mexican food in their front yard and we got a lesson on a proper Hispanic Birthday party .... P.S. To all of my white friends ... We totally do the whole piñata thing wrong! 

But he hugged us and we said goodbye. We continued to message some. His new foster mom found out I work at Shepherd's Fold Ranch and ..... Guess who is at camp this week!?!?!?!

My boy and his foster brother!!!  I have been praying for tonight for 18 months.  The night I got to look into his little black eyes again and this time I said  ... I am so sorry. I made promises to you and got your hopes up for things that I just wasn't good enough to make happen.  I mean for a while I questioned myself.  Did I Really hear from God?! I mean I KNOW I heard God say to bring him into my home!  I promised him we would never send him away.  It doesn't matter who made the final decision to move him out of my house ... Me promising him that has haunted me for 18 months.  I knew that was all he would remember.  

I had a friend message me about a week after he left.  I got the message in Walmart and when I read it I went to sobbing right there surrounded by all the light bulbs in aisle 7.  She had been praying for me because she knew my heart was broken.  God told her to tell me - I didn't miss it.  He did send me to get him.  He needed me to get him out of his current home - everyone was too comfortable there.  He needed me to be the catalyst to move him along to where he was eventually supposed to be.  The only mistake I made was presuming I would get to keep him forever.   

So tonight I cried - I apologized  and told him how happy I was that he was in such an amazing home with a foster brother that was a best friend with an awesome heart. 

He interrupted me and said "you don't have to cry!! It's okay I forgive you!!" With concern for me written all over his face. And I told him that right there was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the walls of that elementary school - that and his infectious giggle!!  

I told him that all of the other things I promised, I would try to follow through with.  That I would always be here to talk to and come to birthday parties and try to learn Spanish (he giggled at that thought) and that one thing I promised him back then that I was able to follow through on?!? I would never stop praying for him. I never have - I never will. 

It did my heart good to see him and Corey and his Foster Brother sitting on the hill together tonight visiting like old friends.  All week long I've been able to watch him and Piper take care of each other - buy each other snacks in the store and just talk. 

God is good -- all the time.

All the time -- God is good! 

There are No words for how loved God has made me feel this week, allowing me to mend one of my most regretted shortcomings.  I got a little boy's hopes up with promises I had attached to a Word I had from God.  I know it was my heart that jumped out there and did it! I know I meant well.  But I also know there was a 10 year old scared and hurt and confused about 10 days before Christmas 18 months ago.  But tonight he talked to me. He talked to me like he used to talk to me out at recess.  He talked about video games, and wanting a dog, and playing the cello.  And he forgave me.  

Thank you God for such mercy. 

 Blessings for tonight ya'll 

        We need 'em every day. 

Heather 

Palm Trees in Oklahoma

Week 3 campers all checked in at Shepherd's Fold and snuggled into ... Well never mind they are dividing into their tribes for competition week 😂 

But me?? Because apparently if there is a plant on clearance for $1 I MUST buy it.  Then when I get the dang palm tree (or 3) home and my husband says "Heather that doesn't look like a FARM" 🤔🤔🤔

I am too stubborn not to stick it in the ground.  I mean ... 

It said it would be GREAT shade

 ✅ we need that in OK 

It said it needs low water 

✅✅ because it's OK and well ... I'm me! 

And it said it was $1

✅✅✅✅✅ because well - that's awesome! 

So I made Corey show me where the "permanent" chicken coop would go.  I jumped up and down on my shovel in the Osage County rock bed as the moon quickly becomes my only companion ... 

 ... I'll let you know how palm trees grow in rock.  And if they decide to embarrass me and take ---- I'll rename my rooster ... 

A-Hab The A-Rab ... 🎤🎤🎤 the sheik of the burnin' sands 

After the Ray Stevens song.  

I mean those chickens will have the most luxurious shade in all of Osage county if this thing (these 3 things) take off! 

Now - I have to go tell my husband it isn't polite to pray against all your wife's hard work!  

And .... To remind myself that THIS is my workout. Working in the yard - with the animals - that's how I burn calories.   Don't remind me I should be doing more of that and just tune in later to see if there's Palm Trees in Osage County!! 

It could be like magic beans after all!!! 

I Miss You Dad

I miss you Dad 

But I go on because you taught me to be strong. 

I miss you, but I keep serving the Lord because I saw Him change your life. 

I miss your humor, but am passing it on to your grandkids. 

I miss the things you were interested in - they showed how deep you were. 

I miss how you held your convictions with firmness and love - I'm still trying to get this right - I don't think I make the impact you did. 

I miss how road trips got longer because you had to stop at every roadside stand. 

I miss how you owned  one of every animal you felt like - just because you could. 

I miss the way newborn babies responded to you. 

I miss our private discussions, we almost solved the world's problems - but today's problems are so much more overwhelming - I wish we could discuss them. 

I miss watching you appreciate Mom's hospitality and talent in the kitchen. 

I miss watermelon cut with your pocket knife in the field. 

I miss driving around with the window down looking at crops with you. 

I miss harvest time with you. 

I miss country music with you - you would hate today's country. 

I miss hearing you sing in church - LOL you were awful - so you sang loud! 

I miss the freckles on your arms and your crooked little finger. 

I miss your hugs.

I miss the smell of dirt and oil when you came in from outside or gave me a hug. 

I miss how you could motivate me by teasing me - made me so mad I finished the job ahead of schedule every time. 

I miss watching You watch Mohammed Ali. 

I miss watching you play dominoes with your brothers.  

I miss having a Granddad for my kids - but Nick and Porter have been good to them and they know a taste of Nuttall because of them. 

I miss watching you enjoy a few bites of everything at every meal. - Oh and sweet tea doesn't taste good anymore without you either. 

I miss realizing that you had turned off the tv/radio and the house was quiet while you listened to me sing and play piano.  You didn't gush about it - you never made me cocky but I knew you loved it. 

I miss your discipline - I so respected that I couldn't walk all over you. 

I miss your unconditional love - I'm sorry for when I disappointed you. 

I just miss you. 

Happy Father's Day without you here. 

Day 3 we're finally getting somewhere

We are finally getting somewhere… things were changing so fast yesterday that I could barely keep up with it in my brain, much less put it down in words. 

 

She has had Bad headaches and dizzy spells, hives, the occasional minor nose bleed,  blood in her stools (like twice) and urine (again maybe twice) but about six weeks ago she started occasionally gagging and spitting out blood.  The first couple times it was no more than if you would have bit your cheek and spit. But each episode there has been more and more blood.  Tuesday night one of my older girls had her and called me in a panic.  She had gagged and spit up blood again but this time it was all blood and about 1/3 - 1/2 cup.  Enough to really scare both of them.   She also had a headache and chest pain and was dizzy. I was still at work so I met her in town and the Dr on call said to go straight to the ER.  She did it a couple more times on the way into Tulsa. Once in the ER they said she was anemic.  They admitted her and said they want to get to the bottom of it before releasing her since it gets worse and worse each time.  

They cast a wide net and have been testing and testing for everything from cancer to tick disease and lung infections ... Checking the possibility that it was just maybe a bad nose bleed that runs backwards and she ends up spitting it out.   Chest x-ray in the ER was read by a radiologist who never sees pediatric stuff and ruled it "chronic deterioration of the lung consistent with a history of cystic fibrosis."  😳😳😳. She has never had CF before?!   

So they have had pulmonologists and ENT's running tests ... Today the ENT did a something ...ectomy where he sticks a scope up through each nostril to assess for possible nose bleeds etc.  he found nothing.  

They are pretty sure she has silent reflux causing possible esophageal and or stomach ulcers that bleed when inflamed.   That's what they THINK.   We have ONE pediatric GI Specialist in Tulsa apparently and he is on vacation until next week.😳😠😠.  Because of the possible worst case scenario they didn't want to release us and have something break loose and us be unable to stop the bleeding in time to help her.  Combine this with the fact we don't have anyone servicing our area at home with ambulatory care (it's a political chest pounding match about Whose area it is.)   That makes releasing her all the more tricky.  Plus - when the GI puts her under the two others want to run in and do scope procedures as well just to have it. Seems like everyone wants to stick probes in my little girl.  

They ran an allergy blood panel and see if any food allergies show up that could be dangerous and will make the decision about releasing us later. Meanwhile her chest still hurts so it's just frustrating.  

So best case scenario for us should be a fairly easy fix - worst case scenario could just need a lot of attention. 

They have decided we can be released later today with some gastric medicine that seems to be keeping things under control.  From what we can guess the bleeding is from the esophagus and may or may not be magnified by an allergy of some sort.  They drew a bunch of blood from her so they can run an allergy test equivalent to getting the hundreds of test patches done in an allergy clinic but that won't be back until Sunday.

The name of the condition is barely able to be pronounced - and until we are 100% sure that's what it is, I won't worry about trying to spell it.  

********Good News! ********

We are getting released today and will be spending the weekend in Tulsa at  a friend's condo they have for business clients that fly in for meetings or whatever.  This way we all have peace of mind that if there's another episode we are 15 minutes from the ER - TOPS.  I will run home - while she stays in Tulsa with Dad or sisters - and get clothes etc and we will just wait for the GI Specialist on Monday and Tuesday.  When we came in they cast a really wide net and while all of the possibilities were overwhelming, it was comforting knowing there wouldn't be anything come flying in sideways we hadn't considered. 

  Carly crawled up in her bed and painted her toe nails. 

Paige stuffed herself under the playground equipment in a Walking game of hide and seek

The activity room had ceramics to paint. 

 

 

We had a lot of friends bring coloring books and puzzles, - we have read one Junie B Jones book and part of a Little House on the Prairie book so far. Sisters kept things hopping and Netflix provided a whole tv series based on How To Train Your Dragon that she loved. 

Beary (pronounced Barry) was a big hit with all of the doctors... One who gave him a complete examination "thinking it was Piper". 

We still aren't done with this journey but at least tonight she will be laying on a blanket in downtown Tulsa watching a Drillers game and fireworks (as long as she can take it) instead of seeing these same 4 walls.  As we already knew, St. Francis Children's Hospital is the Best!  Sometime later I am going to review each of the doctors just for info if anyone ever lands here. 

For now I have to finish a project from work that I CAN do remotely.  Thank you Anna Cunningham for helping me with the questions IN the office,  and a big thank you to SFR for not even questioning where I need to be right now.  But without a shadow of a doubt the MVP of this week has been Jessica.  My little Ruthie.  Who was alone with her little sister miles out in the country and had to deal with large amounts of blood coming out of her little sister's mouth!! She did everything  perfectly, and like every great caregiver, didn't break down until she knew she was safe!! Then the tears flowed.  You did perfect and will be a great mom someday Ruthie!  Also, Shana and Carly dropped everything and came to the hospital for a family evening and producing lots of giggles from a scared little sister!! 

We will update again if there are any changes.  Thank you for all of the concern and prayers.  I have no doubt God is exactly the same place He was before all of this started.  Firmly in control of everything. 

Blessings for today y'all ...we need them every day! 

Heather 

Day 2

We know she has a lung infection. Period. It is like viral pneumonia but they have not specifically verified what kind and really don't have a lot of answers.   But they keep digging so I know they aren't satisfied with what we know at this point. 

We are waiting on a pulmonologisr and an ENT.  They have several other tests scheduled to get to the bottom of this.  For whatever reason they weren't able to do those tests yesterday.  

One moment she is giggling and acting normal.  The next minute she says her chest hurts and just wants to sit and color or be held.  I don't get a lot of questions answered yet but I guess that's better than them trying to answer questions they really don't have answers to yet. 

They are also going to reevaluate her heart murmur just because we are here.  There isn't any worry or fear regarding it, but it's been a few years since the cardiologist tracked it with an ultrasound and since she is here there is no reason not to. 

We are doing good but it's just unsettling to be here without many answers. Thanks for checking in on us.  Depending on which tests will actually happen today we may not be able to have many visitors - one test she will be put under for so there will be a lot of sleeping afterwards.  If you're planning on coming, please text me first.  Thanks for all of your support and prayers. 

************************************************

Update: 

Okay so big problems. 

The lung infection explained last night is not in any way what is wrong with her.  Apparently one of the nurses overheard the Dr group discussing it as an option and just wrote it down as gospel and passed it along to the night nurse as the reason she's here.  They have filed a committee meeting and disciplinary action to figure out how and why this could have happened and been passed along to me the way it was.  They are not happy.

But on the other hand we still don't have clear answers.  The Pulmonologist and ENT will be here today.  The GI Dr is out until Monday.... Yes Monday. 

She said If  between all of them they can decide she is stable enough to go home until Monday they may let her out.  If not she is here until Monday (worst case scenario). 

The reason is the amount of blood and the fact that she was anemic when she came in causes them concern over blood loss somewhere. 

St. Francis Children's Hospital just got real

This is my 4th summer with Shepherd's Fold Ranch and my 4th week of falling in love with the people and kids from Camp Strong with St Francis Children's Hodpital.  Watching children with cancer or cardiology challenges be able to come to summer camp and chase frogs and complain about missing mom's cooking and attending Karate classes like any other kid is so endearing. I'm so grateful God has allowed me to see these things. 

But last night my relationship with them just got REAL.  Piper has had a few bloody noses - very minor ones, and on occasion has coughed up tiny amounts of blood.  Last night however the episode was significantly more severe.  

We were directed to bring her to the ER here and we have been put through a battery of tests, with more to come. 

There have been a few things discovered but no answer as a whole yet.  On the schedule for some big tests today.  

Everyone here has been wonderful and just like I would expect with what I know of them from camp!   

We can't have a lot of visitors yet as we are still in the middle of tests.  But if anyone is down this way and has a Junie B Jones, Hank The Cowdog, or Boxcar Children book the would want to bring by... Maybe even one of the new more adult coloring book and markers (she has kind of gotten into coloring with those)  that would be great!  

Thanks for caring.  When there is something besides casting a wide net I'll update, but for now I'm choosing not to spend any time verbalizing all the things they are looking for. Until they give us a definite answer, we are just going to pray and let them talk about all the scary stuff. 

You can pray for her, and us, but for now, if you want to get to know the place I work and the place taking care of us, follow this link.   

http://m.tulsaworld.com/news/health/camp-strong-where-children-with-heart-disease-or-cancer-can/article_4d3b54d5-6884-56fa-abca-a7f04436108d.html?mode=jqm

The Ugly Cry

   

So I'm on a 2+ hour flight going to CA.  I rented a couple movies to pass the time.  I tried to be careful - no chick flicks where someone falls in love and then the love of their life dies.  I have a strict policy that no one cries alone - even if they are acting in a movie. I didn't want to sit in an airplane full of strangers bawling the famous "ugly cry." 

I browsed through the movies available, and decide on some comedies.  I envision myself enjoying the movie and occasionally having a classic silent chuckle and this whole thing would be terribly "normal". 

You see the thing is, I have had about 4 hours of sleep and have been working really long hours for about 2 weeks before that.  I'm exhausted.  I should have picked a documentary on geometry or something.  I would have been totally safe! .... Not to mention asleep!  But my trip is for business and until I land in CA I have responsibilities I feel I need to stay awake for. On the way back I plan on snoring the whole way and don't care who may take pictures  (I mean unless me drooling down my shirt goes viral --- then I will become Liam Nieson and hunt down the person with a very specific set of skills that come natural for my mom mode.  I will hunt him down and ... Focus Heather ... This is the exhaustion talking). 

But you see, I rented Mom's Night Out.  At one point or another in my life I have been every woman represented in that movie.  The very young girl who Wants to do everything right but bad choices just keep piling up on top of one another and it is nothing less than a Giant mess.  

I have been the young mother with 3 toddlers/babies - not being able to keep up with any of them.   I actually had a friend who would put her kids to bed and stay up until midnight cleaning the toy room and sorting out the toys ..... Right down to separating the plastic fruit from the plastic vegetables in the play kitchen area.  She did this because "the kids are so much happier when they can start the day with a clean organized play room!!" 😳😳  But I was always feeling like I didn't measure up to the other Moms, or to my mom, or to what I thought my Mother-in-law wanted me to be.  Trying to be in control of everything and everyone around me. Literally, the woman who was trying to herd cats and it didn't work.  I really don't handle being the person who "doesn't work". Don't handle it well at all.  I'm better now but as a Young mom I was not so good!!! 

Then I was also the mom who had just discovered she was pregnant and was panicked about how I was going to break the news to my already overwhelmed husband.  I was so shocked on my 4th baby that when it actually crossed my mind I might be pregnant, I waited for him to get home from work (didn't say a word to him) and ran to Walmart for a pregnancy test.  Walked next door to the grocery store and went straight into the bathroom and did the pregnancy test right there in  Super H! 🙄🙄🙄. Then ten years later when having to tell him about #5 --- he almost fainted.  Had to grip the counter to keep from going down. LOL poor guy 

Finally, although I have never been a pastor's wife, I can completely identify with the mom of the teenage daughter who thinks mom can do nothing right. You never get your daughter to understand you, and try to make sure the general public doesn't see you go full-on crazy .... Come on - you know what I'm talking about!  That level you have to pull out before anyone in the house will take you seriously?!  Eyes bulging, voice raised, arms flailing and general yelling nonsense with a lot of threats "I swear to goodness if you don't do your chores RIGHT NOW!  You can erase the vocabulary word "friends" from your brain - you will have no friends - you will have no life - and you will be REAL lucky to have any hair left on your head when I get through with you!!!!!!!"  That level.  

I was feeling all of the emotions of each woman, and how much they NEEDED this night out that when things started going downhill, my stress level rose immediately.  By the time they are standing in the police station and Patricia Heaton's character  accidentally gets hit with the taser I lost it. I mean I got so tickled not only was I shaking - and crying, but tiny little uncontrollable noises kept escaping.  I was bent over trying to hide it, and then realized I may be rocking back and forth accidentally.  I snuck a peak at the young man beside me and he was clearly horrified and a little bit  - nope - a whole lot scared of me. This only magnified my cackling and I noticed he undid his seat belt - no doubt in case he had to make a quick escape from this psycho that was sitting beside him.   

I was finally able to pull it together to pay attention again.  About that time the character Bones - played by Trace Adkins shared some Godly wisdom win the main character and it made me cry in a precious- sweet way.  I sniffled and looked sideways.  Clearly this young man has not lived around many women.  He was staring at me with his mouth wide open😂😂😂. I tried to explain to him it was just a funny movie but he was having none of it and is probably out there somewhere blogging or tweeting about the psycho next to him on the plane. 

I mean I did the Ugly Cry while laughing - and no one ever looks awesome while in the middle of that!  I was also traveling alone so there was no one to blame it on! 

This was a really great movie and a much needed stress reliever!  If you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend you do! 

Blessings for today ya'll!  We need 'em every day! 

Heather