THIS is how I try to be.
THIS is how I end up.
Last night I had a private Lucille Ball moment, but I have learned to embrace them and I don't mind sharing.
I'm 45 - why do I care about running? I don't know why, but somewhere in me would like to run a 5K sometime. Hopefully sometime soon so I can stop this madness. I'm a little overweight and have never been a good runner so I don't generally like to do it where people can watch and critique. I have this pedometer app on my phone. I recently decided that whatever it shows at the end of the day, I will go outside and run laps inside my yard (about an acre fenced in area) until I'm at the goal for steps that day. I'm starting small. As I'm getting started you should know that I chose to stay in my yard because there's been sightings of mountain lions in the area where I live and I just don't need to put myself in that situation because if it's going to happen - I'm the girl it will happen to! Oh I mean I'll live - it'll just be one of those "things" I get myself into.
I would love to tell you the history of Lucille Ball genetics in my family but I'm not sure my mom and sister would love me recounting their "Moments" so we'll just let you know - it's genetic. :)
A month or so ago we got a donkey!! More commonly known as a little burrow. He loves me (at least I tell myself that), he follows me like a dog when I'm taking walks. When I stop he stops 3 ft. behind me. I choose to think it's awesome instead of creepy. When I let him up into the yard from the pasture, he wanders by me occasionally just to get scratched then he wanders off to eat more grass.
As I'm running last night, my English Mastiff - Bertha, and my Westie - Wendy were running with me. Bertha is curious and never wants to be left out - Wendy really feels like she's more of the protector. Its dark and not only am I conscious of the mountain lion sightings, I Hate Snakes. Period, when I tell you a story about a snake - don't ask me what kind. The kind that needs to be dead! Every Time. So I'm running and have the flashlight turned on on my phone. The country playlist blaring which includes odd songs from my childhood like "I Wish I Was A Teddy Bear" (I don't know - I'm weird). Anyway, all of a sudden I hear foot steps NOT like those of my dogs. I'm rounding the swing set and feeling the panic rise in me. I want to turn around and face whatever is coming because again - I'm weird like that. As I'm about to start crying imagining being eaten by a big cat, I turn around and step in a hole all at the same time. I hit my knees and yell out "AHHH" ... when I gather logic back to me again I realize I was almost trampled by DONKEY! That's it - that's the foot steps of the monster I had built up in my head ... Donkey! LOL I looked into the sky at the red moon we had last night and laughed while a tear ran down my face. Donkey came over and nudged me like "I'm just following - what's wrong with you!?"
I got up and let him back into the pasture - I mean a big girl can only have so many adrenaline rushes like that in one evening! Now seriously who does that? Works themselves up to the point of sobs and panic over stories of a mountain lion because she forgot she had put her donkey into the yard earlier that night! I am a mess!
Recently, I publicly embarrassed myself in Lucille Ball fashion. I auditioned for The Singing Churchwomen of Oklahoma and was accepted! I figured - no sense in waiting to make a fool of myself - might as well try out for a solo right away!
As time neared, I discovered 3 women signed up for the solo I chose. Me - and 2 professional singers. As in, 2 women who go to Nashville and sing back-up for national artists and get Paid to do such a thing. And then I heard one of them "practice" (pshhh like she needed to). I'm here to tell you - If my name weren't down ink-to-paper I would have walked right out of there and probably not ever came back - ever.
They set it up in American Idol style. We all had to stay out in the foyer and they called us all in one at a time to audition in front of the judges panel. I find a little spot away from the biggest chunk of people, and am practicing with my phone. When all of a sudden I hear the Ray Stevens song "It's Me Again Margaret". I remember this song from my childhood. It is funny and very silly about a man who is basically stalking a woman and calls her from a pay phone down the street on a regular basis. In fact I have it on one of my playlists because my dad liked all of his silly songs and it reminded me of my childhood.
Other people begin to look around, hearing Ray Stevens express his 'love'. Wait - didn't I just say I have that song on a playlist on my phone? People are looking at ME! Wait - whoa!!! MY PHONE is playing It's Me Again Margaret! Oh for the love of God please stop looking at me! As I stopped the song and came very close to crushing my phone people are snickering and giving me sympathetic looks as I'm sure they can see the horror on my face. Then again I see people looking around - and the "Ryan Seacrest" lady had called a name a few times, then walked around the corner. OH! SHOOT what name did she call!? (I'm obviously still worked up over the Ray Stevens bit). "Are you Heather?" Well Sheeeesh now everyone will forever remember my name because of RAY STEVENS and NOT because of my shining personality! "Yes" I mutter and run towards Mrs. Ryan Seacrest.
As I enter the room we banter back and forth and I had a decent audition. Keep in mind the other ladies are professionals. The Director asked if I had any other song I was prepared to try out for and I might as well have given the Goofy chuckle as I spouted "Well Sir, this is the only one I practiced adequately but if you'd like to hit play on another track I can give it my best shot!" UGGHHHHH
Later when I got home and began practicing again it dawned on me -- I did the solo part well, but when the soloist is supposed to sing with the choir???? I sang the ALTO part instead of the solo! Good Gracious! He said he would individually email all of us to let us know but I'm pleading with everything in this universe that he does not do that. Oh. My. Word.
Another time when I was singing back home in South Dakota, I was rehearsing on stage when my Aunt Sharon came through the door early, she rushed up the aisle grinning from ear to ear and wrapped me in a huge hug. This was nice - I know she loves me, but this is also not typical. She whispers in my ear. "Heather your blouse is all unbuttoned at the chest!" Yes, this was before the trend of undershirts became popular ..... :-/
I do a bit of public speaking occasionally, and singing performances in a group with a random solo here or there. It is always in the back of my mind ... "Hold it together! This is NOT the time for a Lucille Ball Moment!!! Hold it together!!"
Sometimes I am able to attain the moment with grace ... other times I'm a fabulous ice breaker! sheesh But I wouldn't change it for the world. It's me.
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