You don't have to be on medication forever.
You won't always feel this way.
It's a slow descent that first time Depression comes to call. When this happens you're in one of the most stressful times of your life. You stopped paying attention to You. You're run down physically, mentally, emotionally and most dangerously - spiritually. You're leaving victims in your wake even though it's the last thing you want to do.
I know you feel alone. You're not - God is right there but Depression is closer and you can't feel God right now. Your husband doesn't see all of the things it takes mentally just to Do the things you do. But it isn't because he doesn't love you like you keep hearing in your head. The wounded looks you see on your kids faces when you just can't do anymore? Those looks are temporary. They know somewhere deep down that this isn't you.
You've been to the doctor a lot lately looking for answers. The medications they have you on right now have brought more problems - requiring more medication. You are eventually delivered from all of these medications! It's a viscous cycle. But God is faithful, for Everyone. He breaks through and reaches out a hand. There have been many moments you have either been too distracted by Depression, or you have just been too weak to reach back. Then He disappears. But He is faithful to come back time and again. He reaches out to you every time, offering that strong arm to lean on, to carry you.
People ask you if you're okay. What are you supposed to say? You can't put it into words even if you had the hope that someone would understand. Three times - those three times will come to your memory forever. You won't view them from Depression forever - after a while you can view it from the side of victory. But three times at work you took a break because you just couldn't sit still anymore and decided to take a walk around the block. While walking and enjoying (at least you thought you were enjoying it) the fresh air, three strangers stopped you with genuine looks of concern on their faces and said "Are you ok?" I mean for crying out loud - HOW miserable do you have to look for complete strangers to feel the freedom to come up to you and ask if you're okay (when you're feeling at least a little bit normal!)?? I mean ... how miserable must you look when you Don't feel normal?
Then came that day. Sitting in the doctor's office and you're just talking and you can't stop. You didn't wear make up today because you just can't. Your hair is done but your clothes are sloppy, baggy long sleeved pink t-shirt and blue jeans. The second she gives you a look of compassion and says "Heather, it's okay - you're just at the very very end of what you can take, and you're physically at the last drop of strength you have. It's okay. I'm going to give you some help but you have to take my hand and fight like you've never fought before or This. This is where you will live for the rest of your life. Do you hear me?" The second she says that you break down sobbing because someone appears to get it.
Did you hear her?? I'm not sure. But I remember hearing her say it's time to fight or This will be your life for the Rest of your life. That scared you. Her demeanor and her words comforted you. You didn't feel quite so alone. But some part of you is just so exhausted - it's like you know it would just be easier to give in to the cycle. But you also know it's miserable. You're drowning - or breathing through a plastic sack while everyone else around you thinks you should be Mary Poppins! You're at your last straw - you're overwhelmed.
Today - this day, is the turning point. Sure there were many other Dr. appointments, she probably even gave you the same compassion before. But Today! Today was the day God dropped into your timeline and started the Rocky soundtrack music. Today is the day you believed you could get better. Today is the day you overcame pride about depression and depression medication and you reached up and took God's hand and you stood up - under His wing. No you don't have to take the medication forever. But if you had to you would be no less victorious! Today you start Crying out to the Lord with your voice. The medication helps give you temporary strength. Temporary strength so you can Have that quiet time - or the Not so quiet time when you cry out to God. Keep reading Psalms - you'll be shocked how many times it says you are supposed to Cry Out To God with your Voice! Don't just say a prayer in your head. Let him know you get it - let everyone around you know you get it!
I'm not going to tell you Depression never tries to come back. He is relentless, he misses your company, he wants to stir your mind to mush, he visits as often as he can. Sometimes you will not notice for a couple days, you just know something is off. You begin to question people's motives. You begin to be convinced people are just out to find ways to knock you down. Then you recognize his stench, you know he's there, but you know where to run!
I can tell you that you find a way out. God lights a lamp and you follow it. When you've been faithful to follow in a few steps, He sends you to work for a minor league football team. Your co-worker has the most infectious laugh and she sees joy in EVERYTHING. Her giggle transforms your soul. You'll know her when you get there. Thank Him. Then He moves you on through another hurdle. Before you know it, your husband has been fighting his battle and you both meet on the other side carried by God and brought back together. You have been gifted with seeing the precious and humor in just about everything on the other side. Don't be hurt or offended when those who are still hurting in some way or another do not see the same humor you do. Don't defend yourself. Pray for them to have joy, be gracious, apologize - it costs you nothing to be nice - especially to someone who so desperately is fighting their own battle. Once you're on the other side you can be nice to the tortured, smile at the ugly, and be merciful to the hurting who lash out. .... And. It's. Amazing!
Believe it or not - it's worth it and you wouldn't have God remove the years of pain for anything because of the gift He had waiting on the other side.
Keep fighting. He loves you. I love you and you are stronger than you think!
Blessings for today ya'll - we need 'em every day! For. Sure!
Heather
PS .... read Psalms - All of it I'll say it again if I need to.
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