My Body - My Enemy

My personal journey with my body.  

Women are hard on themselves. I didn’t grow up in the age of social media. I had Cheryl Tiegues and Cover Girl trying to guide my looks in the 1970’s when I was just hitting the formative years.  The 80’s weren’t much more dangerous as far as social pressure.  So why do I and all other women my age struggle with body image? We didn’t fight what these kids are now? 

I’ve had 5 kids and the body road map to prove it.  Honestly the stretch marks are the only think I Like about what’s happened to me through the years.  I embrace those and if they ever fully faded away I would be sad. 

I'm now 50 years old and I have crepe skin.  I do moisture therapy treatments ... it sags anyway.  Not because I'm fat or because I didn't have a moisture regimen in my 30s.... it sags anyway because it's supposed to as you age.  I'm not saying give in and gain all the weight, let your skin go, wreck your body with chocolate for breakfast and alcohol for lunch and dinner.  I'm saying accept where you are.  If you're married and your man isn't interested anymore.... some (SOME) of that has to do with age... some of it needs to be livened up with your imagination and willingness to become or try something new in his eyes.  

I exercise and my stomach goes down ... but it comes back again because when I'm on the road or with family, I eat differently than I do at home.   There are days I look in the rear view mirror and am shocked at how accurate the term "turkey neck" applies to this age.  Not to me.  Just to this time of life.  

I attended a funeral recently and saw many many people I haven't seen in years.  When I saw them I didn't notice their turkey neck or crepe skin, when I saw them I looked in their eyes and remembered.  When I have history with people and I see them again for the first time in a long time, I see everything that makes them part of my life.  I see the man with the brightest blue eyes from high school.  They're still there and he's still genuinely interested in how everyone is.  I see the gal who was an old heifer to me in high school because she was older than me and although I didn't talk to her ... I'm positive she's still a heifer.  I saw the man who worked for my dad for years and I still see his eagerness to learn and be a part of my family.  I saw the man who lived with my family for a few years and he's still the guy with the biggest heart I've ever met.  

The doctors have attached many ICD10 codes to my charts over the years in the form of diagnosis.  Because of them, I stand funny, my skin looks a certain way, my stomach has a difficult time remembering it's supposed to have a waist and although I exercise to combat them for health and strength reasons, I'm pretty positive when people saw me they remembered precious times with me ... and maybe they noticed my Mustang.  LOL  I really don't think they took inventory of my waistline.  If you have someone who you think will..... Stop talking to them.  

Social Media has come into our lives and enriched it so much.  I can see all of these people I love almost on a daily basis on all the sites.  I communicate with a huge number of them and I would never have known anything more than idle gossip without them.  

Social Media has wrecked our lives.  It has taken our minds and our bodies and used them as weapons against us.  Sally used a filter and now Beth can't bear to post her bingo flaps and Karen just scheduled some form of plastic surgery.  

Don't get me wrong - if I can afford it I may be calling a plastic surgeon someday. But Someday isn't today.  Social Media tells me my body is my enemy.  That's wrong.  Some of the diagnosis I've received, Those are my enemy, but my body was perfectly and wonderfully made for me by God.  All of those diagnosis, coupled with age, those are the things I fight - I do not fight myself any longer and my heart goes out to those of you who still do.  

Blessings y'all 

We need 'em every day.  

HW

How is he? "He's the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus"

Depression - Addiction - Suicide

I met this family when the boy was in 5th grade.  Same age as my daughter,  Who fell instantly in love with him. Don't tell me you can't fall in love in 5th grade ... my house rose and fell with whether they were on good terms as friends, sometimes as boyfriend/girlfriend, and whether or not he gave her his jersey on Fridays to wear (it was a big deal people ... the biggest - and it determined the mood in the Westover household for the rest of the weekend).  My pastor says "Don't say ... awe it's just puppy love!  It's REAL to the puppy!"  And this was true in our case.

His Mom and I became fast friends. We didn't see each other a lot and I know she had closer daily friends than me but we just had one of those friendships that you instantly have loyalty to.  Sure we disagreed over the years because we're both strong women.  In a unique turn of events, our husbands even really like each other and if you've been married a while you'll know that's rare for all 4 people to really enjoy each other's company.

When we met she was still grieving the loss of her daughter.  At 4 she lost her little girl to a very 'once in a million' situation that just cannot be foreseen so there's no way to prevent type situation.  She was the strongest woman I knew - I mean how do you do that?  But she did, and she did it with a fierceness to cling to God that intimidated and even drove away some people.  That's okay - you didn't walk her road so you may not need her level of warrior for Jesus spirit, but I loved her for it. At one point we were privileged enough to attend the same church together and we laughed and cried and prayed together so many times.

Her son was deeply changed and grieved over the loss of his little sister.  Depression snuck up behind him and became a constant companion.  Addiction followed and joined forces with depression.  His Mama never stopped fighting.  For years when we would see each other I would ask 'How's your son?' and every time she would reply  "He is the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus...." and grin that exasperated grin all Mom's of challenging teenagers grin.  She stayed one step ahead of him - rode him hard to fight against depression - kick addiction - make better choices - and keep fighting.  She gave him tough love - a soft place to land - she begged God to hunt him down and overtake him, but he was only able to get victory in spurts.  He continued his love for my daughter and she for him.  He wanted them to be together but he would push her away because he wanted to protect her from what tormented him.  She did the same - she loved him but wouldn't give in to the chaos he couldn't defeat.  They kept in touch every couple months his whole life right up until the end.

I loved that boy.  I mean he would tell me the trouble he was in  and I heard it, but he would look me deeply in the eye, engage me, hug me, and really make you feel like he was NOT wrapped up in himself and depression/addiction and it was so hard for me to believe the one who always hugged me and loved me when we saw each other was the same guy he would tell me about - or even that his Mom and I prayed for.  It was surreal.

Last night I went to their house and held her as she cried and told me of the last conversation they had.  And how they got the phone call that he had taken his life.  I'm not going to give you details because you don't need to know.  It isn't about how it happened.  It's about how a mother never gave up and all of her words of prophecy are completed.  She believes with all her heart that he is a believer and in the arms of Jesus now.  All that keeps running through my head is   He is the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus more today than ever before.

How do you minister to a woman who has lost 2 babies?  How do you make her see that she is the strongest woman you know when she feels so weak? She told me she needs help today and wants me there to do it.  They have to go to his place and collect his things.  They have to go to the funeral home - they have to make all of the decisions that a mom should never have to make.  And she has to do it for the second time in her life. Holding her and crying with her isn't enough.  But it's what we are going to do today.  She has closer daily friends - but because of my daughter and this beautiful boy, she wants us to be there.  I'm honored. I'm grieved.  I held my daughter for a long time when we left there last night and thought about how important she is to me.  How important they all are to me.  And how my heart just hurts for my friend.

Depression - Addiction - Suicide  Sometimes the victory is won in eternity, not on earth. Sometimes it's the most painful thing for those left behind. But knowing he is finally at peace is comforting. Right now God and that comfort is all we have.  So it's what we take into battle for the next few days.

I keep looking for a good way to end this post but there just isn't one.  Thank you Lord for being the strength that we don't have today.

Letter To Me at 36 - Diagnosed with Depression

You didn't fail.

You don't have to be on medication forever.

You won't always feel this way.

It's a slow descent that first time Depression comes to call.  When this happens you're in one of the most stressful times of your life.  You stopped paying attention to You.  You're run down physically, mentally, emotionally and most dangerously - spiritually.  You're leaving victims in your wake even though it's the last thing you want to do.

I know you feel alone.  You're not - God is right there but Depression is closer and you can't feel God right now.  Your husband doesn't see all of the things it takes mentally just to Do the things you do.  But it isn't because he doesn't love you like you keep hearing in your head.  The wounded looks you see on your kids faces when you just can't do anymore?  Those looks are temporary.  They know somewhere deep down that this isn't you.

You've been to the doctor a lot lately looking for answers.  The medications they have you on right now have brought more problems - requiring more medication. You are eventually delivered from all of these medications!  It's a viscous cycle. But God is faithful, for Everyone.  He breaks through and reaches out a hand.  There have been many moments you have either been too distracted by Depression, or you have just been too weak to reach back.   Then He disappears.  But He is faithful to come back time and again.  He reaches out to you every time, offering that strong arm to lean on, to carry you.

People ask you if you're okay.  What are you supposed to say?  You can't put it into words even if you had the hope that someone would understand.  Three times - those three times will come to your memory forever.  You won't view them from Depression forever - after a while you can view it from the side of victory.  But three times at work you took a break because you just couldn't sit still anymore and decided to take a walk around the block.  While walking and enjoying (at least you thought you were enjoying it) the fresh air, three strangers stopped you with genuine looks of concern on their faces and said "Are you ok?"  I mean for crying out loud - HOW miserable do you have to look for complete strangers to feel the freedom to come up to you and ask if you're okay (when you're feeling at least a little bit normal!)??  I mean ... how miserable must you look when you Don't feel normal?

Then came that day.  Sitting in the doctor's office and you're just talking and you can't stop.  You didn't wear make up today because you just can't.  Your hair is done but your clothes are sloppy, baggy long sleeved pink  t-shirt and blue jeans.  The second she gives you a look of compassion and says "Heather, it's okay - you're just at the very very end of what you can take, and you're physically at the last drop of strength you have. It's okay.  I'm going to give you some help but you have to take my hand and fight like you've never fought before or This.  This is where you will live for the rest of your life. Do you hear me?" The second she says that you break down sobbing because someone appears to get it.

Did you hear her??  I'm not sure. But I remember hearing her say it's time to fight or This will be your life for the Rest of your life.  That scared you.  Her demeanor and her words comforted you.  You didn't feel quite so alone.  But some part of you is just so exhausted - it's like you know it would just be easier to give in to the cycle.  But you also know it's miserable.  You're drowning - or breathing through a plastic sack while everyone else around you thinks you should be Mary Poppins!  You're at your last straw - you're overwhelmed.

Today - this day, is the turning point.  Sure there were many other Dr. appointments, she probably even gave you the same compassion before.  But Today!  Today was the day God dropped into your timeline and started the Rocky soundtrack music. Today is the day you believed you could get better.  Today is the day you overcame pride about depression and depression medication and you reached up and took God's hand and you stood up - under His wing.  No you don't have to take the medication forever.  But if you had to you would be no less victorious!  Today you start Crying out to the Lord with your voice.  The medication helps give you temporary strength.  Temporary strength so you can Have that quiet time - or the Not so quiet time when you cry out to God.  Keep reading Psalms - you'll be shocked how many times it says you are supposed to Cry Out To God with your Voice!  Don't just say a prayer in your head.  Let him know you get it - let everyone around you know you get it! 

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I'm not going to tell you Depression never tries to come back.  He is relentless, he misses your company, he wants to stir your mind to mush, he visits as often as he can.  Sometimes you will not notice for a couple days, you just know something is off.  You begin to question people's motives.  You begin to be convinced people are just out to find ways to knock you down.  Then you recognize his stench, you know he's there, but you know where to run! 

 Read Psalms - All of it.  Underline it.  Speak it out loud to God.  You know which chapters are yours for that moment in eternity.

I can tell you that you find a way out.  God lights a lamp and you follow it.  When you've been faithful to follow in a few steps, He sends you to work for a minor league football team.  Your co-worker has the most infectious laugh and she sees joy in EVERYTHING.  Her giggle transforms your soul.  You'll know her when you get there.  Thank Him.  Then He moves you on through another hurdle.  Before you know it, your husband has been fighting his battle and you both meet on the other side carried by God and brought back together.  You have been gifted with seeing the precious and humor in just about everything on the other side.  Don't be hurt or offended when those who are still hurting in some way or another do not see the same humor you do.  Don't defend yourself.  Pray for them to have joy, be gracious, apologize - it costs you nothing to be nice - especially to someone who so desperately is fighting their own battle.  Once you're on the other side you can be nice to the tortured, smile at the ugly, and be merciful to the hurting who lash out.  .... And. It's. Amazing!

Believe it or not - it's worth it and you wouldn't have God remove the years of pain for anything because of the gift He had waiting on the other side.

Keep fighting.  He loves you.  I love you and you are stronger than you think!

Blessings for today ya'll - we need 'em every day!  For. Sure!

Heather

PS .... read Psalms - All of it    I'll say it again if I need to.