Terror Threat in NYC

So - my hotel is located in Time Square.  Many friends and loved ones have asked me if I'm still going. One friend looked me in the eye and said "Do you have any fear at all?"  Another sends me screen shots of every press release, and one of my daughters is monitoring all news operations around the world.  Not because she is fearful but because she just does that already.  

Let me start with the most important one - I cannot die without God's permission.  I have said this many times and I have not gotten a Word from Him not to go.  So if I really believe that then staying home just acts upon fear that isn't from Him.  

Likewise, I cannot live without his permission. If I stay home and it is my appointed time to meet Jesus it will still happen somehow. 

"You know they are threatening an attack in Time Square --- what if it happens in front of you. What will you do?"   

I will use all of my SD Farm Girl and Oklahoma woman of strength abilities to act like the child of God I am and just ... Deal with it. 

I am mindful that I am going there For Him. I am praying that no weapon formed against the singing of His Word will prosper. That in a secular, beautiful, historic building like Carnegie Hall, we will sing to believers and unbelievers alike and someone will have the stirrings of a spirit awakened. 

One person asked me if I would act differently because I have children. Will I be more cautious in the face of an attacker or hostage situation like what happened in Mali today.  The answer is yes and no. All of my kids and grandkids are always on my mind, but I would rather Piper know that I died Not denying Jesus than I would have her knowing I lived by rejecting him. 

My husband sat me down and looked me in the eye and said "You're still going because we are not going to live in fear. However, I need you to be aware of where you are ... Where are the exits ... " and he covered a few other things.  My brother has always tried to show me self defense skills and they are front and center in my mind. My mom told me not to stay home but be careful. My kids have one by one just said 'I Love You - have a good time!"  And my little sister just said "I'll be praying extra hard and I love you!"  

The only people who have suggested I shouldn't go are friends and acquaintances who are only caught up in the moment and would probably not have said that if they were giving themselves more time to think it through. 

You see, Timothy McVey taught me in April 1996 that insanity doesn't happen just in foreigners or Muslims. Denver taught me that insanity can walk into a movie theatre and reign fear and chaos, and Columbine taught me that going to school every day isn't necessarily a sanctuary like it was in the 1980's. And 9-11 taught me that the enemies of America - the West - and Christians are relentless and there will never be a day where there is zero risk. None of this means I should stay home and never leave my house. 

I'm praying that God fall heavily on me with discernment and if I need to get out of a certain situation that He scream audibly in my ear to Run! Sometimes I can get caught up in enjoying a moment and He may need to be very loud and direct to get me out of there. 😊

But with family and an inner circle like that? And ... If God is for us who can be against us? 

Why would I stay home from a chance to sing for God With Sandi Patty the year before she retires?!?  

Lastly, do I have any fear at all? Yes I'm scared that Corey won't feed my dogs and horses! I'm scared that Piper will cry herself asleep... I'm scared  that she won't, she's growing up after all and is beginning to create that self-sufficient bubble. I'm worried Corey won't take the turkey out of the freezer, and I'm also worried my feet and back will protest to all of the physical requirements this jaunt will require. But in the end I can think of all those things for a split second and still lay my head down and sleep well. 

There are police with AR's on every corner and even more.  This is exactly the same risk as working downtown OKC or going to the movie in Denver and many others.  The news is just aware of it and putting a bigger spotlight on it.   

With all of that being said - specific prayers for protection would be appreciated. Thanks for asking about me! 

NYC trip (please O please)

I figured I would update here several times so that people who aren't super interested wouldn't have to scroll past long posts.

I'm a tiny bit concerned for the start of this trip ... I am hoping it isn't set up for epic Lucille Ball moments.   Right off the bat this morning I had alarms set for waking up ... 15 minutes after wake up (just in case) and an alarm for "you need to walk out the door". I woke up on first alarm (good!) - turned off the 2nd alarm and begin doing make-up and packing.  I think "Man I'm doing great! My warning alarm for 'you need to leave now' hasn't even gone off!!  Finally I ask my husband - "what time is it?" 

He proceeds to tell me it's 15 min past my alarm that never went off!  When I panic about it he says "ya it went off! I turned it off a while ago!" 😳🙄🙄 

Sigh .....  So we throw everything in the car and drop my munchkin off at my brother's and head for the airport.  Now there have been times in the past that I wake up during a long road trip and this man is driving over 90mph! I begin to freak out on him and he would say "I thought you were asleep!!!" 😒. Today - we're going to turn over a new leaf and drive the speed limit all the way to the airport.  

But I'm rocking my Teenage Daughter Survivor shirt and I'm ready to do this thing. 

Upon getting to the airport and heading to security, it looks fairly empty!! Fantastic!  I get to the screening area where we have to undress and put everything in bins and there's 2 lines ... Both the same size.  I stand in one for a while until a lady starts to yell at us that there "are two lines people -- use them both!" So I step over to the out of the way line .... At this point the line I left behind begins to move at warp speed and my line grinds to a screeching halt. The gentleman in front of me with a foreign accent begins to fuss "we are not moving! Why are you not working?! You should do your job!!" Security guards begin to give him 'the eye' and I'm doing everything in my power to let them know I'm not with him.  Then he turns around and begins to talk with me like we Are together ... "Why are they not moving?! They aren't doing their job!!!" Now the guards are eyeing me too. Thanks buddy. I give the guards looks like -- I don't know him ... They don't even blink. 

 

We finally get all undressed (appropriately) and stuff ready to scan when now they are doing pat downs on each person (I'm good with this --- fuss-bucket is not).  Apparently he doesn't want pat down by the guy.  Lady is ready to pat me down and he is fussing ... I'm thinking to myself - really I don't even care, and in this situation neither would my husband, switch with me so that guy can pat me down and I can get away from you. But neither of the guards wanted to switch either.  By this point my 'lady' is frustrated and I'm wondering if I'm going to throw out involuntary self-defense moves during her rigorous "pat-down". 

Even with this commotion things went relatively fast.  With all this behind me I head for my plastic bins where the guy behind me is "helping" me get my stuff out.  Hmmm not sure this is a good idea mister - someone besides me might clock you for touching their stuff.  Regardless, I'm happy to just yank my boots on and get out of there.  

Now walking up to the gate I begin to have Lucille Ball tendencies.  I approach the gate attendant and ask a question. She answers and smiles really nicely at me and as I go to smile back ... I INVOLUNTARILY WINKED AT HER?!?!?!? 

What in the world?  I never wink at people! How did that just happen?! And did I just make a face like Lucille Ball horrified that I had winked or is all of this just roaming through my head?! And Great - does she think I'm hitting on her?!  Read my shirt lady I'm a teenage daughter survivor - I'm married -- to a man - and I have 5 children.  (Stop it Heather collect your things and go sit down). 

When boarding the plane the Captain is standing at the entrance and he grins and says "Boy your shirt is straight up the truth!"   

I replied "Yes I know! I have Five of them!" 

His face registers pure shock and he reaches out to shake my hand.  I take his hand and shook it laughing and then I WINKED AT HIM?!?!?!?! What in the world is wrong with me?!? Oh. My. Goodness. This trip could seriously be humiliating!   I got on the plane and sat down - put my headphones in and didn't look at another soul. 

Please o please let me stop this Now. 

Letter To Me at 36 - Diagnosed with Depression

You didn't fail.

You don't have to be on medication forever.

You won't always feel this way.

It's a slow descent that first time Depression comes to call.  When this happens you're in one of the most stressful times of your life.  You stopped paying attention to You.  You're run down physically, mentally, emotionally and most dangerously - spiritually.  You're leaving victims in your wake even though it's the last thing you want to do.

I know you feel alone.  You're not - God is right there but Depression is closer and you can't feel God right now.  Your husband doesn't see all of the things it takes mentally just to Do the things you do.  But it isn't because he doesn't love you like you keep hearing in your head.  The wounded looks you see on your kids faces when you just can't do anymore?  Those looks are temporary.  They know somewhere deep down that this isn't you.

You've been to the doctor a lot lately looking for answers.  The medications they have you on right now have brought more problems - requiring more medication. You are eventually delivered from all of these medications!  It's a viscous cycle. But God is faithful, for Everyone.  He breaks through and reaches out a hand.  There have been many moments you have either been too distracted by Depression, or you have just been too weak to reach back.   Then He disappears.  But He is faithful to come back time and again.  He reaches out to you every time, offering that strong arm to lean on, to carry you.

People ask you if you're okay.  What are you supposed to say?  You can't put it into words even if you had the hope that someone would understand.  Three times - those three times will come to your memory forever.  You won't view them from Depression forever - after a while you can view it from the side of victory.  But three times at work you took a break because you just couldn't sit still anymore and decided to take a walk around the block.  While walking and enjoying (at least you thought you were enjoying it) the fresh air, three strangers stopped you with genuine looks of concern on their faces and said "Are you ok?"  I mean for crying out loud - HOW miserable do you have to look for complete strangers to feel the freedom to come up to you and ask if you're okay (when you're feeling at least a little bit normal!)??  I mean ... how miserable must you look when you Don't feel normal?

Then came that day.  Sitting in the doctor's office and you're just talking and you can't stop.  You didn't wear make up today because you just can't.  Your hair is done but your clothes are sloppy, baggy long sleeved pink  t-shirt and blue jeans.  The second she gives you a look of compassion and says "Heather, it's okay - you're just at the very very end of what you can take, and you're physically at the last drop of strength you have. It's okay.  I'm going to give you some help but you have to take my hand and fight like you've never fought before or This.  This is where you will live for the rest of your life. Do you hear me?" The second she says that you break down sobbing because someone appears to get it.

Did you hear her??  I'm not sure. But I remember hearing her say it's time to fight or This will be your life for the Rest of your life.  That scared you.  Her demeanor and her words comforted you.  You didn't feel quite so alone.  But some part of you is just so exhausted - it's like you know it would just be easier to give in to the cycle.  But you also know it's miserable.  You're drowning - or breathing through a plastic sack while everyone else around you thinks you should be Mary Poppins!  You're at your last straw - you're overwhelmed.

Today - this day, is the turning point.  Sure there were many other Dr. appointments, she probably even gave you the same compassion before.  But Today!  Today was the day God dropped into your timeline and started the Rocky soundtrack music. Today is the day you believed you could get better.  Today is the day you overcame pride about depression and depression medication and you reached up and took God's hand and you stood up - under His wing.  No you don't have to take the medication forever.  But if you had to you would be no less victorious!  Today you start Crying out to the Lord with your voice.  The medication helps give you temporary strength.  Temporary strength so you can Have that quiet time - or the Not so quiet time when you cry out to God.  Keep reading Psalms - you'll be shocked how many times it says you are supposed to Cry Out To God with your Voice!  Don't just say a prayer in your head.  Let him know you get it - let everyone around you know you get it! 

+

I'm not going to tell you Depression never tries to come back.  He is relentless, he misses your company, he wants to stir your mind to mush, he visits as often as he can.  Sometimes you will not notice for a couple days, you just know something is off.  You begin to question people's motives.  You begin to be convinced people are just out to find ways to knock you down.  Then you recognize his stench, you know he's there, but you know where to run! 

 Read Psalms - All of it.  Underline it.  Speak it out loud to God.  You know which chapters are yours for that moment in eternity.

I can tell you that you find a way out.  God lights a lamp and you follow it.  When you've been faithful to follow in a few steps, He sends you to work for a minor league football team.  Your co-worker has the most infectious laugh and she sees joy in EVERYTHING.  Her giggle transforms your soul.  You'll know her when you get there.  Thank Him.  Then He moves you on through another hurdle.  Before you know it, your husband has been fighting his battle and you both meet on the other side carried by God and brought back together.  You have been gifted with seeing the precious and humor in just about everything on the other side.  Don't be hurt or offended when those who are still hurting in some way or another do not see the same humor you do.  Don't defend yourself.  Pray for them to have joy, be gracious, apologize - it costs you nothing to be nice - especially to someone who so desperately is fighting their own battle.  Once you're on the other side you can be nice to the tortured, smile at the ugly, and be merciful to the hurting who lash out.  .... And. It's. Amazing!

Believe it or not - it's worth it and you wouldn't have God remove the years of pain for anything because of the gift He had waiting on the other side.

Keep fighting.  He loves you.  I love you and you are stronger than you think!

Blessings for today ya'll - we need 'em every day!  For. Sure!

Heather

PS .... read Psalms - All of it    I'll say it again if I need to.