Women's Lib Pshhhhh

P.S. A woman's place is wherever she can be a Woman in every sense - including being polite. 

Ladies - Ladies

For decades women were held back - not allowed the right to own land - not allowed the right to vote, or even hold certain positions in the work force. THAT was oppression. 

My Grandma told me a story about the first time Grandpa sent her to town to purchase her own car -- WHOA!!  

Luella Ruth Bush was not like me - she knew how to control her tongue, she would maybe give you a "WELL! I don't much like YOU!" Look but I don't remember her ever cutting down someone with her tongue in public. It took me a while to learn that virtue.  

As the story goes, she traveled all over one town, looked everything over and made her decision. Upon talking with the company owners they told her "When you're sure what you want, bring Johnny back to town with you and we will make a deal." 

Where I grew up everyone knows everyone - and all of these families are Good people. Also, to be fair, at that time, it was highly possible that the owner was only concerned about Grandpa being very upset with them if they did this without hearing from him first instead of thinking she wasn't capable.  Regardless, yes - it's nice that we have moved beyond that. 

By-the-way, my Grandma got her tail feathers all fanned out and drove herself to a different town and BOUGHT herself a car!  But she was always pleasant to the first company until the day she died. 

Now that you're half-way through this post I should warn you this is my "rant". I am so ashamed of my gender every time I happen upon the situation of a man holding the door open for a woman and he is met with a glare, or she pulls up short and either refuses to walk through, or most awful, gives him a tongue lashing  like you've never heard. 

This is NOT women's lib - please excuse me because I really don't use curse words very often, because I choose to use my vocabulary words to express myself.  However in this situation?! This is not women's lib - this is nothing more than you being a bitch. 

You will probably not meet any woman more confident and more capable of opening a door for herself than my girls and myself. But when a man holds a door open for me he will always get a smile, eye contact, and a thank you. Why? Because he is Not being Chauvinistic - he is committing an act of kindness!  He doesn't have to leave his group to wait for me but he does, and when all of my girls are together I have seen young men blush by the time all 5 of my girls pass before me and EACH of them says "thank you!" Each with their own expression.  When I get there and he begins to be uncomfortable I will follow up with "thank you for knowing how to be nice to a lady ... Even if it is 6 of us at once!" Usually I get a grin and nervous chuckle and he is relieved to run off to his buddies. Adult men are usually confident enough to grin widely and throw a sarcastic quip my way. 

Was I disrespected? Belittled? Made fun of? NO! What just happened was that I know there are Mama's out there doing their job and teaching their young men to commit acts of kindness and put others before themselves because all lives are valuable and reaching out with acts of kindness are just plain basic good manners!   On the flip side of that each of my girls will say thank you and not assume her sister's thank you is enough because he committed 6 acts of kindness and he deserves 6 acknowledgements for it. My Mom taught me kindness and my girls have learned it as well. 

The hardest time I ever had was while on an anniversary trip with my husband to Washington D.C. We hopped on a city bus that was packed. In front of me was a couple seated. He had on his Navy hat from WW II and time had taken its toll on his body. He was about 130 lbs and shaky with age. He took one look at me and rose to his feet and offered me his seat, I began to protest but looked in his eyes and he had picked Me to sacrifice for, not just today but for his entire life. I swallowed the lump in my throat and with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face I thanked him, and sat beside his beautiful wife who was smiling with pride.  My husband stood behind him to steady him and reach out to grab him when the bus jerked back and forth in travel. It was the hardest thing for me to ever do was to sit there and watch his struggle.  I looked around that bus at all of the able bodied young adults who pretended not to see his struggle because THEY didn't want to commit the same act of kindness, and my tears of gratitude turned to tears of sadness. 

We can spout all of the self-righteous women's lib rhetoric we want to ladies, but we helped to cause this atmosphere. With all of our insistence of equal rights, and acting out upon that impulsively with more emotion that thought, we have fostered and even taught by our actions to this next generation that we do not respect acts of kindness. 

We are better than this ladies!! We should know how to say thank you when someone treats us well! Shame on us if we don't - and woe to our country if we don't pass it on!

Purpose to make a difference and be grateful for acts of kindness and do not berate gentlemen for being Kind! All you're doing is showing folks you are unable to be kind in return. 

Have a fantastic day and be kind to one another! 

Blessings for today ya'll - we need it every day! 

Heather 

Saying goodbye to a loved one

January 18, 2016

We  took this trip to South Dakota because my Grandmother is 97. Even if I make it there more often than usual, our visits are numbered. Her body is thin and, in her words, just tired of working.

The weather was unusually cold even for South Dakota. Everyone just wanted to stay stuck indoors. I visited her with my whole family on the first day.  My youngest daughter is named after her. When I called to tell Grandmother that Piper would bear the name Lucile, she gasped and said "Well! She will be the ONLY one ever named after me!!" And she was thrilled.  That bit of news shocked me because all of my siblings and cousins love her and hold her as precious as I do.  But when I heard that I was SO very glad we had decided to make Lucile be one of Piper's 2 middle names. 

Years before I had asked Grandmother to write me a quick story of her life.  A while later I received 21 handwritten pages of her life! 21 ... It was and is the most awesome gift I could have ever gotten.  

On our last day in SD I left everyone at home and ran up to Agar to see her again.  When she saw me she said (one of those phrases that just makes her Grandmother), " Well, HEATHER!! Bless your heart!"  It was exactly what my heart wanted to hear. We had a good visit. She showed me her bruises and evidence that her body just can't circulate blood like it used to. We talked about the health of her children, who, because she eloped with the love of her life at 15 or 16, are all experiencing 'old age health issues' themselves.  

"Heather, no one should ever have to watch their children get OLD.  What could the Lord have left for me to do before I go home? But I get up every day and thank him for the opportunity of each day, pray for all my children and grandkids, and wonder when I will see him face to face." 

It was what I wanted and yet it was awful. This battle tested spiritual warrior was sharing her soul. We continued as long as I could stay. 

When I got up to say goodbye, she grabbed her walker and stood up to hug me. We hugged like we had 1000 times before, but then she grabbed my wrist with strength that made all of her talk about being so old be questionable and tears filled her eyes. She grabbed my other wrist, and then laid her forehead on mine.  "There's a few things I want to tell you young lady, starting with how precious you are to me." 

This was it. She was telling me goodbye.

I may never be able to repeat to anyone the things she said. As it is right now I'm sitting beside a total stranger on this flight home crying non-stop just writing this. (Poor guy) He is Twice my size and yet I guarantee He is scared of Me right now LOL. 

If I am honored enough to see her again.... Well first of all, she will be ticked she is still here LOL  But I don't expect to see her again. Sometimes after a well fought life, people just know when time has very few sands left to fall through the hour glass.  But if I didn't have the assurance of heaven this would be torture. However, I do, and so does she. 

It's been decades since I've seen her jump and skip and giggle with excitement, but it's fixin to happen again soon. I can feel it. She will bounce from my dad to her husband, and all off the other family who has gone on before her. She will hold the face of her baby girl who was still born, and hug her little brother who drowned at 3 and then she will see Him. Christ, the One most important to her and fall at his feet. 

Someday, when I get there she will be so happy to welcome me. 

Piper Lucile - Martha Lucile  ... And me 

**Update .... ANNND Now she's 101.5 and still such a blessing!  I guess on this day she just really knew I might need to hear some of the things she said to me in those "wrist grabbing" moments.  Still love her so much.  Still my hero, mentor, and spiritual guide .... and she would be whether we were family or not! 

Her Inner Ear has Life!

So we had physical therapy last week.  On the 14th we received the diagnosis that the balance portion of her inner ear was unresponsive when tested.  At that point - the prognosis was -- there is no cure -- we were going to teach her how to use the other two systems involved in balance to do the best we could to compensate for the birth defect.  The game plan was the same as you would employ for someone who was blind or deaf and you teach them to use the rest of their senses to fill in the spots. 

Upon arriving at physical therapy and answering a battery of questions -- a Much more in depth verbal session than the day of diagnosis. He stated that the doctor had instructed him to put her through the entire battery of tests so that we would have every piece to the pie.  This was impossible to do on the day of diagnosis because the tests done that day already took 3.5 hours.  

We set out on a dozen or more different physical tests that day.  The older she has gotten she has begun to have migraines. We now know from this they are Vestibular Migraines (caused from the inactivity of the vestibular portion of her inner ear).  

The fact that she is even having these migraines means that the vestibular part of her inner ear function isn't completely dead.  She completed roughly a dozen physics tests that all seemed to confirm that her inner ear is there - albeit, barely functioning.  

We were given daily exercises that (in simple terms) removes her ability to depend on her body or vision and Force the inner ear to work a little. Right now the inner ear is a little like the free loading employee who doesn't want to work and always finds a place to hide and lay down while everyone else carries the load.  The goal is to make everyone sit down and cause him to get up and try.   

When doing some of the tests - she had to stand on one foot, or with her feet in awkward positions. With her eyes open she could perform the test to the time goal even though she was wobbling quite a bit.  When the same test was performed with her eyes closed she began to wobble immediately and completely fell over by 9 seconds.  This brought up the fear and she informed us there would be  NO more tests like that.  

Much to my husband's dismay one of the home modifications we have to do is to completely remodel her bedroom with night lighting - furniture to better suit her needs than what we have right now -- and flashlights readily available as night time and darkness has been a huge obstacle full of anxiety for her. 

She struggles with dizziness and vertigo and says that she feels pushed from different angles sometimes.

This is the picture she happened upon and brought to me saying she sees this many times a day. It usually just for a couple seconds. 

We are currently keeping a diary of days she has headaches and dizzy spells and the food eaten immediately before that to be sure there isn't an allergy making things more difficult on us. 

All in all I am very encouraged.  The organ isn't dead  with "no cure" we just have to give it a workout and build its muscles.  This is something the Westover girls have never had a problem doing but this is no ordinary Westover girl!! 😊

Thanks for all of your love, concern, and prayers. 

There are bigger announcements coming regarding this condition but that will happen in the next few days! 😊

FINALLY some answers

Nine years. Over nine years actually.  Piper has always had her quirks. She loves sports- but Hates to play. She has been diagnosed with anxiety.  That's it - this where they stopped searching. Just give her more medicine mom.

Ya only every time she has even come near that stuff we have had traumatic side effects. And that's where the stand off stalls.  They say if I would just agree to double the dose things would be fine.... but since I'm unwilling well they don't know if there's anything else to be done.  Just - Good luck dealing with all her problems mom. We have offered help and you don't want it. BUT YOUR SOLUTIONS CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS THAN HELP!

Then we start having terrible headaches. Go to a neurologist. Abnormal EEG (no clue as to the source but they list epilepsy and don't tell me for six months until I force the records release). Test her for ADD/ADHD she is diagnosed with an attention problem. Here Mom give her this medicine.
No.
"What do you want from us?"

Me: Anxiety and ADD are symptoms and I want you to find the root. I don't just want more medicine.

They all give me the same look.  The look of not really wanting to deal with a non-compliant mom. A mom who is maybe just babying her kid. Or out of touch with how it needs to be treated.

Then at the Neurologist last month. As he is in the middle of writing a prescription I say "Dr. Couldn't this be inner ear?"

He literally put his pen down and said 'what's wrong with her ears?"
Those of you who know me well know that my instant reaction is sometimes not controlled very well. I felt my eyes get big and my mouth drop open and as I sucked in my breath to say "I DON'T KNOOOOW I'M NOT A DOCTOR" I scored a tiny victory and slammed my mouth shut - raised an eyebrow and shrugged my shoulders. When I was more in control, I said "Well if she is dizzy all the time COULDN'T it at least be inner ear?"

So yes - he refers us to an audiologist.

After many very interesting tests, she turned to me with a little excitement and says "This is the LAST thing I ever expected to find.  Her inner ear isn't working. When I test it I get No reading. From either ear. "

So your balance is controlled by 3 things.
1. Your inner ear. (It has two chambers. One for balance and one for hearing).
2. Your vision
3. Your body strength, i.e. feet planted firmly on the ground etc.,

Piper is missing one of those major components. She has to really compensate with the other 2 . There is no cure, and she appears to have been born this way.

Quote from the Dr.
"The sensory signals from the vestibular system are not participating as they should from either ear"

What she has is super rare. While there is no cure there is some physical therapy we will do to help teach her skills to compensate.

We discussed the ADD --- 'Ya- she isn't concentrating. She is trying to stay in her chair!!!'

We discussed anxiety - "sure she has anxiety we as human beings like to be in control and if you knew at any given moment your body could betray you and your next step would be shaky unexpectedly, you'd stay a little freaked out too.'

"This is pretty rare. I'd like to have her back for some case studies on how she reacts to different tests."

And that's when it happened. I started sobbing. So many times, Doctors, friends, family, random acquaintances give you the look .... you know the look. The one they give you when they don't believe you. When they wonder and sometimes say out loud that you are maybe just babying her.  That you're making a bigger deal out of stuff than necessary.  They watch her for a fraction of her life and proclaim "There ain't nothin' wrong with her. She's playing you and she is winning." Or better yet a well meaning someone implies that you haven't prayed enough - or good enough or maybe You have sin in your life .... 'one thing is for sure honey  - I'm about to!"

But you're the one who watches her stare off into space for a split second and you know something isn't right. You're the one who watched her stagger through the house and fall hitting her head one morning.

I look back on that split second when I asked the neurologist  "couldn't it be - inner ear?"  Call it Mama's intuition -- the holy spirit - call it what you want. In that second I proclaimed the exact problem and had no idea.

For that mom who is fighting the medical system and feeling like maybe they are right - maybe I just need to tell her to suck it up... but nothing about that feels right in your heart - spirit - or your gut. Keep fighting  - you feel that way for a reason.

Yes Both of her inner ears are not responding. But they said that was a blessing. If it were just one she would feel like she were constantly spinning and probably vomiting constantly.

Yes this condition causes her headaches.

There are So many questions. Going forward what does this look like. Of course we have no clue right now.  But at least we know what the root of the problem is.  Once you know who your foe is you can battle so much more effectively.

Thank you God for finally giving answers.

In My Daughter's Eyes

Back in September we went to a little therapy workshop on anxiety. One activity was for Piper to take this giant tub of animals and place each family member in there so everyone was represented. This took a while - she was very particular with her choices. The longer she took the more nervous I got. Instantly, I was looking through that tub thinking - "Oh Dear God what will she pick to represent me? The therapist is uncomfortably close to me in this tiny room and I know she is trained to place ridiculous importance on each of this child's choices and - OH for the love of Pete child just throw some animals in that tub - Time to GO!" 

Clearly I realized all of my insecurities were screaming out against examination, and Piper was lost in her own little world picking up each animal, looking it over and placing it back in the tub. 

Finally, she made her choice - Praise God she picked an animal to represent me first and put me out of my misery! She picked herself next and placed her animal firmly under my right shoulder. When it still wasn't quite like she wanted it she picked me up, put herself down and then placed me a little on top of her. 

 I am a tiger - the biggest one in the tub and the only one looking intimidating & strong. I was the first one she picked.  Ironically enough I have always thought Tigers were the most beautiful wild animal there is.  Looking into the eyes of a tiger (which I have only done in pictures online), there is incredible beauty but a tinge of healthy fear for the strength it possesses.  

She chose for herself - a spotted frog very colorful, and very much under the shoulder of the tiger. She spends much of her summer at Shepherd's Fold Ranch hunting frogs and roly poly bugs so I think this was a grand choice 

She continued picking an animal for each family member and placing them where she thought they should be.  Some who are away at college and finding their own life outside the family roof are placed farther away.  Some who visit frequently are placed close-by but none really invade the bubble that holds a little frog with the massive tiger standing over her protecting her.  

I have raised 5 girls and some have needed me more than others.  Some have rejected me harder than others when trying to find their own way.  I have watched terrible things happen to some of the older ones by people in this world. Some of them I have been blessed enough to see them make it all the way to the other side.  Some of them are still fighting.  I love watching them take the fierceness they think they have seen in me and mold it together like play dough with their personalities and strengths to adapt to the cards life deals them.  

But truth be told - I think all mothers would agree.  We're scared to death.  We don't know what we're doing.  We call our Moms 100 times a month especially when we have babies of our own.  I think I have called my Mom more to ask advice and apologize and try to figure out life more once I had adult children than I did when they were toddlers. We try to follow God.  We pray for you.  We do the best we can ... and we mess things up.  A lot.  I can only hope that when all is said and done that this little girl meant for that Tiger to be a compliment.  I'm going to take it as one.  

I love the song by Martina McBride In My Daughter's Eyes

I hope it's what she meant when placing - and Re-placing that tiger right on top of herself that day in front of that psychologist, who I decided to never go back to!  LOL 

Blessings for today ya'll 

We need 'em every day. 

Please don't wish your babies wouldn't grow up.

Almost Daily I see some well-meaning Mommy post a picture or status begging their children to "Please Just Stay Little" or "Don't grow up okay!?" Or "Stop Growing!"  Either with words or a cute little hashtag. 

First of all - I know the generalized idea you're trying to get across. I'm not heartless and I remember those cute little baby snuggles and the intoxicating smell of newborns and toddlers. Baby smells are Still  intoxicating when your kids are adults. I'm not writing this to chastise you - hopefully when you're done reading this you feel the birth of hope and longing to see your kids do the very thing you lament against constantly.

Next let's get dramatics out of the way.  However, you Do realize there's only one way your child won't grow up right? Trust me - you Want them to grow up.

Now on to the heart of why I wanted to write to you today. That sweet little newborn you can't get enough of holding?! If it didn't grow up, you wouldn't see that first smile when you KNOW it's only for you. They are smiling because they realize You are their Mama and only You can satisfy their need for connection in so many ways.  You would never feel their chubby fingers grab your face and hair so they can pull you in for kisses that - as infants sometimes feel more like they want to eat your face!! Yet somehow they make it adorable.

You would never see them attach to that one lovey or blanket or stuffed animal. 

Watching their sense of humor emerge is priceless. 

You would never see them climb trees or build mud puddles or use those filthy fingers to bring you a bouquet of weeds.

~~~I know you see where I'm going with this but keep reading.~~

Those toddlers become children and start kindergarten. With the look in their eyes that they Really don't want to be away from you all day, to the day when they jump out of the car and rush into school you will always see their eyes light up when they see you again. I'm 46 and I hope my mom still can see it in my eyes when I come home for a visit!

If my kids wouldn't have grown up I would never have been there the first time that special boy asked my daughter to wear his football jersey on Friday. Trust me. This was a big deal.

I wouldn't have been there for Book Fairs and Field Trips and Class Parties.

I would never have seen my 4th daughter work around the house for extra money, only to find out that she took all of her allowance to school and gave it to her 2nd grade teacher whose husband had been seriously injured in a rodeo event and couldn't work for a Long time. The heart of a child will melt you.

I would never have watched them make the cheerleaders squad the first time you had to try out. She ran up to that list and squealed like the proverbial little girl when she saw her name up there. 

I would have never seen them in Homecoming or watched my daughter catch every minute of a 19 inning softball game. I would have never seen the other one end up 2nd at Nationals .... Twice!  And I would never seen them dig deep down inside when they were at bat with 2 outs - down by one - last inning of the game ... and she hit a triple and we won.

Would never have watched her overcome a learning disability and graduate. Or get a mout full of braces! 

I would never have seen my daughter in love and beaming with excitement as her Daddy walked her down the aisle. Nor would I have been blessed with the opportunity through a rough set of circumstances to hand her - her first born son and watch with my very own  eyes as she became a mom. As her heart saw him for the very first time, and she examined every inch of him like we do.  I mean - I love my Grandson, but that was My baby in that bed - My baby who had just survived an emergency c-section that was pretty touch - and - go. And that was My baby becoming a Mommy. 

Friends - you want to see it. And you want to see it exactly when it is supposed to happen. You don't want them delayed in any way.

The reason I wrote to you is this.  You don't need them to stop growing. The change needs to happen in you. You need to do whatever it takes to remember every moment. Journal- video - blog - do whatever it takes for you to remember everything. Put one of their cute little sleeper pj's in a gallon zip-loc bag so you can open it once or twice when they are rotten teenagers and be intoxicated with the smell of their infant sweetness once more and rejoice! Celebrate every achievement and failure.

Because some day your door will bust open and little ones will run in saying "HEYYYYYY Granny!!!!!" And they will smile at you like only a Granny can inspire in them and you will have a whole new life of things to cherish.

So grow up little one!! Not too fast but not too late! Let me see every success and let me scoop you up and love you through every failure!  Grow up little one, and become everything God had in mind when he ordained your existence!! 

Cherish the growth Mama - it doesn't happen twice! 

Another Daycare Can't Handle Your Awesomeness

So as my daughter posted yesterday, my grandson was removed from another daycare yesterday (effective immediately) basically due to being a normal Autistic little boy. 

So once again our family was "who can take off work? I can watch them until noon!? Okay I'll meet you at noon and take them to my house. What time do you get off?"  Dance we do when we have to pull together for someone in the family who has a need.

I picked up my grandkids and brought them home. We played outside, we fed some animals, and ran away from others .... because apparently bunny rabbits are creepy.  Jumped on the trampoline - chased each other up the swing set, and then it was time for a nap. 

I worked up a sweat getting him to sleep but honestly, his ornery little sister without autism was just as hard to get down as he was. 

As he laid there sleeping, I thought of all the reasons this babysitter couldn't continue his care. She's right, he does do all of the things she said... and he does them a lot. I almost had a moment of compassion for her until I started thinking of all the years raising my nieces and nephews with our family, raising my own kids, and stories other people have told.

His mother threw a hair brush at her little sister and one of the bristles got stuck in her eyeball - true story.  Same little sister pushed his Mama off the bed and broke her elbow. Surgery and two metal pins sticking out of her arm later, we finally healed.

His Mom, at 2, put numerous cats in a headlock and applied bright red lip stick.... they got revenge on her later. 

Shana and Bethanni engaged in several slapping fits leaving scratch marks and bruises. 

My nieces and nephews on the farm threw punches, set boobie traps, refused to play with another, and I think even tied someone up and left them there ... maybe more than once.

When they got older,  I specifically remember a chase that ended in the person getting chased turning around and smacking Levi with a Tupperware pitcher right on the top of the head.  He bled like a fountain and needed to be taken for stitches.

Piper bit Karlie Gee so many times I thought Amy (babysitter) might request Piper's jaws be wired shut at one point.

There have been bruises, cuts,  bites, stitches, and even surgeries.  Fist fights in the yard because "THAT'S MY SHIRT!", and trips to the emergency room.  None of those kids were Autistic.

Is this generation of kids so much more difficult? Or are we adults just unwilling to put up with a kid who keeps us from the TV and social media? 

My Grandson takes a different approach because of Autism than my Granddaughter but I assure you that sassy little blonde bundle of joy is ever bit as much work as he is.

Is it because we as care givers aren't willing to use the Internet to research techniques for special needs kids and apply them?  Or maybe we aren't willing to turn off the tv and all of the other chaos that might be a trigger for a child. 

The stress and chaos this puts my daughter who is 6 months pregnant under is unacceptable. 

The fact that my Grandson hasn't had that one person join the family and say "I'm not giving up on you." That's unacceptable.

I have considered quitting my job. To be that consistent person for him. But for right now it just isn't possible for many reasons.

Within a year he will start public school. While there are so many wonderful people waiting to bless him there. There are equal amounts of people - even in Special Ed who will just write him off because he isn't their kind of awesome.

Sometimes I just feel like we in general aren't willing to put in all of the effort that would become his miracle because we 'deserve' to have our phone in our hand 24/7... or because we won't turn off our TV shows that create uncomfortable noise chaos even in the best of circumstances.  And I'm saying We because I too fall into the trap sometimes. But when I look in his eyes on that moment he Really wants interaction, I realize we as a country have failed him - not that his condition is too difficult to handle.

If you are a daycare provider, I'm begging you to research conditions, and apply all of the techniques until something works.  I know you're just trying to make a little bit of extra money, but he isn't an easy dollar bill. He is an unpolished precious jewel waiting for you to polish the spots only you can.