50 Years Old and I Don't Get A Redo.

 

I am 50 years old.

I don't get a chance to redo any of this and sometimes I So wish I could. I always heard the "old-timers" talk about days gone by, things and events they could never get back.  I had so many years ahead of me it seemed a waste of time to think that way.  Actually, it Can be a waste of the present to think too long on the future no matter what age you are, but I kind of get it now. 

Look at her over there.  I can still feel the softness of that shirt.  The hope of "tomorrow" and the excitement of what it would bring.  I am an optimist.  Always have been.  You can see it in the wrinkle of my eyes and the depth of the toothless grin. Sometimes a cynical season creeps in but for the most part, I've always been able to find the good in people, the hope for tomorrow, the faith that things will be okay again.  

I'm glad I can't go back and tell her that Dad dies when you're still young.  I would have probably stayed in South Dakota and soaked up every event and memory I could have instead of getting married and moving off to Our adventure.  Ohhhh I loved my Dad, but that would have been a mistake.  

I'm glad I can't go back and tell her to be more proud of Mom and invest time with her.  Then I wouldn't have been so blown away watching her attack life when she became widowed.  Gaining appreciation and respect in your adulthood is a solid moment.

I'm glad that I can't go back and tell her that within 2 years of this pic your best friend will be born.  The little sister that was such a surprise turns into such a blessing.  The years of her spending the summer with you as a teenager while all of your babies were toddlers.  Trust was born there, Honesty grew roots, fear vanquished, and with every hardship you bonded.  

My husband and I have had an Adventure.  As with all adventures, there are hardships, chapters you wish you could cut out, and things that make you cry.  But every hardship molded me.  They raised me.  Hardships have more a part to play in who I am than even my Dad did I think?! Some of my hardships even bled onto my kids.  I have apologized for them, but I don't think that repairs anything.  I think it's just also going to have to be part of who they are, and what raised them.  With the struggles also came the victories.  The victories were sweet as honey and fed me soul.  Somehow we've survived.  And it's good. 

I'm glad I can't go back and tell her that you have a terrible decade of marriage thanks to a prescription that put your husband in a strangle-hold from the first dose.  I do wish I could tell her that no matter what it appears, it will allllll be okay.  I DO wish however that I could go back and tell her to work on her emotions so that she doesn't spend 40 years in a Reactive mode.  Get to the Pro-active mode faster.  

I'm glad I can't go back and tell her that if you wouldn't travel so much you could have more worldly possessions.  Because I don't want possessions, I cherish the memories.  

I Would tell her to have chased the singing a little more.  Get professional coaching, sign up for that musical, stop being embarrassed!  The way your soul flies when you're singing, alone or in a performance, that's real. 

I'm glad I can't tell her of all the people who cut ties and walked away from her.  It would have happened anyway and knowing how I love people... it would have pierced my heart just as much.  She doesn't need to know that yet. 

I'm glad I can't tell her that she has 5 daughters, adopts one boy for his high school years, and is a foster mom to many in and out of the system.  That's something that even surprised this little one as the years went by.  It gave me confidence in the purity of my heart.  Sure, I step into quicksand quite often and end up in a mess, but where would I be, What would I be if I didn't reach out!? 

          


I'm glad I can't tell her all of the events that lead up to being given the title of Granny!  Seeing them run at me with their arms open wide yelling "Grannyyyyyyy!" - that's something that will light up your heart and it needs no intervention.  It is pure, and wonderful. 

My heart has a list now.  I'm checking off bucket list things for my 50th year.  I'm creating a Life Bucket List. I want to Love, I want to BE loved.  Every weird side of me wants to experience it's desires and wants someone to love me for it.  I'm sure that my husband is ready for all of those things.  He's a wise man in so many ways, and he knows not to underestimate my Gypsy soul.  

Don't fear 50.  It really is just a number.  It, in fact, brings sagging muscles, wrinkles, turkey neck, and flabby arms by the time it gets here, but the wrinkles, stretch marks and scars are beautiful.  The turkey neck, sagging muscles and flabby arms?  There's doctors for that, and I'm going to be making an appointment with them soon.  LOL  

Be You - let your soul live.  It's the way God wished you could have lived all along anyway!  

Blessings y'all 

        We need 'em every day.