The Best Flight I've Ever Had!

 Y’all!

For those who love my stories - You. Will. Not. Believe. This.

*but It’s a long one. There’s profanity, cheating, drunkenness, mild violence (so far), and some of you won’t believe this, but at different points of the last several hours Corey and I at one point or another, have sat there with our jaws on the ground.

While at DFW airport, we had several hours before our next flight. We decided to grab lunch. While we were eating, I see a woman at the bar.

Me (to Corey): if I thought my hair would Do that I really like that hairstyle.

Him: (turning around and looking her over ... in my head I was thinking ... just her head Corey ... that’s all that needs looking over ) Nahhhhh. You need to be that fair complected, NATURAL blonde for that to look right.

Me:

Whatever - it would look great red too.

She’s a little annoying because she is pretty much the magazine model for my age group. Cute hairstyle, obvious breast surgery, naturally skinny. Bleh, whatever- I’m not totally insecure with myself but those women who have it seemingly effortlessly are annoying.

Get to our next flight and you’ll never guess who prances up?

They call Corey forward to get our standby seats. He comes back and says “they only had one seat in first class ... so We are in Row 12”

Me: that’s fine - whatever it takes as long as we get there.

Him: we are in an exit row.

Me: ok

Boarding the plane I hear Miss Thang behind me. “Oh great and I’m also in a F**ng exit row it’s a f**ng good thing I’m almost drunk because this sh** is ridiculous.”

Me: (thinking) please God No - WE are in an exit row.

Corey is oblivious.

Pretty soon Miss Thang gets on the phone very loudly with her BFF (obviously) and begins ripping her companion apart. “HE F**NG TOOK FIRST CLASS AND SAT ME BACK HERE IN AN EXIT ROW. I KNOW my worth. I AM something! He better be chasing ME! He better be begging for ANY attention from me! Do they serve alcohol on this flight?! They better serve alcohol on this flight!”

Corey: what’s happening here?

Me: it’s Miss Hairstyle from lunch. Apparently, she’s about to sit right beside us while her husband/boyfriend is in First class and she’s REALLY happy about it.

Him: No-No- NOOOOOO

Me: shhh here she is.

In all her splendid glory she trounces into her seat continuing to bemoan her luck of being stuck with someone on this trip who isn’t panting after her batting eyelashes.

Me: I’m going to apologize to her.

Corey: what for?!?

Me: well I’m going to tell her they offered you that seat but you wouldn’t split us up and if one of us would have just taken it, this would have never happened to her!

Him: Heather I swear to God, please don’t say ANYTHING to her. Don’t look at her. Don’t make eye contact!

Me: you know this is too good to pass up right??

Another lady by us is Terribly offended by Hairstyle’s language and (loud) whisper talking comments to me about it. Meanwhile, the guy behind my right shoulder is locked in on Hairstyle and listening to her conversation intently. As soon as she hangs up he instantly says “your man is an a**hole I would Never treat you this way - let me tell you.” (Blah blah blah)

Meanwhile, I am thoroughly enjoying all of the drama and turn to my husband and say “they’ll be sitting together before this flight is over”

He scolds me... “no way, stop it”

Hairstyle gets another drink. Pretty soon as usually happens, she has to pee. ‘Ol girl stands up Hard forgetting there’s overhead compartments and hits her head so hard she probably has whiplash. She heads to the lavatory in First Class because ... That's where She belongs! When she came back she had to lean over and show her boyfriend her extensive vocabulary ... again.

I’m almost scream laughing at this point and Corey says... umm wow look at that guy in front of us!!!! Is that Adam Sandler?!? And I swear to you I would not have been surprised to hear .... H 2 O!!! My flight just got even better!!

Finally, I settle in, reading my book, and hear my husband gasp... “YOU. WERE. RIGHT!!!” I look around and guess who I see sitting together

They (in their self proclaimed drunken state) debated several verses of scripture. I wanted to join the debate but again my husband is no fun.

Now they’ve exchanged phone numbers. They are planning to meet up. They spent a little time kissing... loudly The other lady near us continues to loudly whisper talk her opinion to me about the whole thing and I giggle and nod my head.

We’ve decided that we aren’t calling an Uber right away, we are going to follow the drama a little bit and see who she leaves with!

Before we get off this plane all I can think is .... ok God I’m sorry. You can even let them stay at my hotel if you want!!!